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in Blog on March 3, 2021 by Sarah Powers

Relearning, Gently

This essay originally appeared in our monthly newsletter for The Mom Hour podcast. To get our emails, subscribe here. –Sarah

When I was a brand-new mom, I attended a support group at the hospital where I’d given birth. The facilitator was a woman named Andrea, a labor and delivery nurse and lactation consultant at the hospital, herself a mom of four and brand-new grandmother to a preemie at the time. After about a year, my baby and I proudly aged out of the group and went along our merry way, and Andrea and I lost touch. But a few years later I had an article published in a local parenting magazine in which I wrote about those early support group experiences, and I sent a copy to Andrea at the hospital. We reconnected, became Facebook friends, and when I gave birth for the third time at that same hospital in early 2013, Andrea popped her head into my room for a visit during one of her shifts. 

She wasn’t my assigned postpartum nurse, and I was no longer a first-time mom full of questions, so we chatted more like friends than provider/patient. In fact, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for navigating those really rough first 24-hours post-C-section with less nausea, confusion, and pain than the first couple of times. Violet and I were set to be discharged later that morning, and I showed her off to Andrea while getting situated for a feeding through the now-familiar folds of my hospital gown. As tiny Violet rooted and latched awkwardly and I chatted away, I noticed Andrea pause as if she wasn’t sure whether it was her place to say something. When she finally spoke, she gave some me gentle reminders about how best to position the baby and get a good latch, specifically making sure that Violet’s lips weren’t tucked under and instead formed a big “fish mouth” shape.

And even though the lesson was was delivered in the MOST earth-mothery, gentle, and supportive manner, by a woman I trusted and admired, I couldn’t help but feel a little schooled. In my mind, I knewhow to do this already. I had successfully breastfed two other babies through the tricky early weeks and successfully gone on to nice long nursing relationships with both of them. I had precisely ZERO doubts that I would be able to do the same with Violet, and hadn’t been expecting a remedial lesson at that moment. But Andrea was right to say something, and I’m glad she did. It was a small tweak to my casual, overconfident positioning—even moms of many can forget just how TINY and floppy a one-day-old nursling is!—and an important reminder that probably saved me a ton of of nipple pain. I recovered from my exposed hubris, and Andrea and I both marveled at Violet’s determined efforts, now aided by a classic football hold and tiny, adorable fishy lips.

My whole life I’ve been very proficient – and efficient – at learning something the first time. I was an eager student who loved to learn, quick to make connections and synthesize information. This made school a relative breeze; I liked it, and “it” (teachers, report cards, exams, and the system in general) favored me. And as long as I was progressing through new material (which is essentially the structure of academic learning, save for review units here and there) I was always learning new stuff, nailing it, and moving on to the next thing. It wasn’t often in an academic setting – or ever, if I’m honest – that I had to be re-taught something I’d already learned.

But regular life doesn’t operate like school, and it turns out that relearning is a pretty essential part of being a grownup. Our neural pathways are complex, we know, and they’re malleable. We can learn something new – like how to breastfeed a baby or make Cream of Wheat without looking at the instructions on the box – and then on top of that we can layer our own experiences, adaptations, and subtle tweaks to make the process our own (I like more salt in my Cream of Wheat than called for, and I stir in a little butter at the end). Our mastery of the thing forges its own set of neural pathways, strengthened through repetition, and unless we’re handed a pop quiz, we may not even realize how many liberties we’re taking or how far we’ve strayed from the original lesson.

Until we do realize it, as I did with Andrea in the hospital that day. We realize it’s been a while, we’re out of practice, or our memory isn’t as sharp as it once was. We realize something tastes off and maybe we don’t have that recipe quite memorized. We recognize, sometimes sheepishly, that we’ve become so habitual about doing this thing a certain way that we may have overlooked a simpler solution (this happens with technology ALL the time, right?). 

And if you’re like me, the discovery that “I need to revisit this and learn it again” can feel frustrating, or even a little bit like failure. I like learning stuff; I don’t like relearning it. I like feeling competent, not questioning what I thought I knew. I’m Hermione Granger with her hand in the air when it’s time to learn a new skill set, but if I’m convinced I’ve already put in the time and effort to master that skill, I’m Ron Weasley groaning in the back row when it’s time to review.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relearning as we approach one year of pandemic life. Last spring we were blasted with a firehose of new life lessons we never asked for: how to work from home, teach our children, sew masks, cancel plans, host a Zoom, and bake bread. We learned so many new things it’s easy to forget how much of pre-pandemic life we left behind in the new learning. And I know things are different in every part of the country, but the sense I’m getting as vaccination rates increase and community spread slows here in California, is that Year 2 of this pandemic is going to involve a lot of relearning skills we’ve barely touched in the last twelve months.

And in that relearning, I imagine we’ll be rusty. And vulnerable. And a little defensive sometimes. Do you remember how to make conversation with a stranger at a kids’ birthday party? Buy movie tickets? Plan a vacation? Do you remember how to navigate a professional conference, a mommy-and-me class, or airport security? I’m not suggesting all these things will come back at once (or that some of them should come back at all), but when you think about the spring and summer months to come, I bet you can think of a few situations that make you feel like I did that day in the hospital with Andrea: like, Wait, I thought I knew how to do this? Where did my confidence go?

That’s me on the left, with baby Allegra (turning 13 next month!) and Andrea, who facilitated the new mom group we attended for the first year.

So rather than see relearning as an uncomfortable setback, like being sent back to Life 101 despite our vast experience and advancing years, I wonder if we can accept it as part of growth. I wonder if the next time you stumble toward that very faint light at the end of the pandemic tunnel, blinded by the old-new-ness of it all and forgetting the simplest things about how to be a grownup/coworker/parent/friend, you can frame the relearning as an opportunity to be gentle with yourself after a very, very long year.

For me, every time I feel the knee-jerky critical self-talk start in when I’m trying to do something I THINK I should have down by now, I’m going to picture sweet, petite Andrea with her curly graying hair and pixie face, perched on my hospital bed helping my baby get the best start at breastfeeding while helping me save face as an experienced mom of three. There was nothing in her delivery that said “Jeez, Sarah, you’d think you would know this by now” and everything that offered “I know you’re really good at this. Let me help you remember what you already know.”

I would love to hear what you’re relearning right now. Is it something parenting-related, like how to cut grapes into quarters when you haven’t had an infant to feed in a few years? Or something from the world of adulting, like how to pay your property taxes or look up a library book? Whatever it is, you’re doing great. I promise.

Photo by Jorge Dominguez on Unsplash

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Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: mom confidence

About Sarah Powers

Sarah Powers is co-host and Executive Producer of The Mom Hour podcast. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA with her husband and three kids, ages 9, 11, and 13.

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Hopping on the mic to record today, dealing with o Hopping on the mic to record today, dealing with our own everyday stressors, and pausing in total gratitude for reviews like this one, and communities like this. 💛 -M & S
New episode! Performances. Plays. Graduations. Th New episode!

Performances. Plays. Graduations. The lusty month of May is upon us as we ditch our well-oiled, calendar-planning systems and enter our end-of-school-year survival mode. In this episode, Meagan and Sarah share strategies for tackling the extra-ness of this season (like death by a thousand emails), setting intentions for the next few weeks and the many lessons May tries to teach us year after year (maybe someday we will learn?). Enjoy this May madness roundup as you dream of the peaceful, calm days of summer ahead (Ha, wouldn't that be great!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Happy Monday, friends! Tomorrow’s show is about Happy Monday, friends! Tomorrow’s show is about end-of-school madness and other May malarkey, and in the episode we talk about how there’s just not a lot of margin for anything EXTRA or UNPLANNED in May. But the universe doesn’t always listen to us, or respect our boundaries, so please enjoy this selfie in front of a fallen “tree branch” on my back patio.

(It’s actually like the size of an entire tree. But the tree itself is fine and still standing. It just lost like half its bulk in a windstorm on Friday night. Roof, house, humans, pets are all fine. Glad we don’t have any patio hangs on the May calendar!)

If you like to watch Stories, I’m doing a Day In The Life series all day today, where you can see what else is up in the Powers house. I hope all the branches stay on all the trees in your yard this month. -Sarah
Sarah joined @marnihughestv on @newsnationnow this Sarah joined @marnihughestv on @newsnationnow this weekend to talk about how the formula shortage is affecting moms in our community. You can watch the clip at the link in our bio.
A day at the beach with kids is, um, no day at the A day at the beach with kids is, um, no day at the beach. (Sorry, had to. 😎) There’s gear to pack, sand to remove from unseen regions, and safety and sun protection to be mindful of. Thanks to our team of contributors, we’ve got you covered on the blog this week with the products that will make your beach outing fun, safe, and comfortable at every age and stage.

Click this image at the link in our bio to get beach gear recs for every age and stage from baby through teen! And big thanks to @catieparrish @cafedumartin @stacybronec @kiamhammon @emilyeroark for the great suggestions!

#beachgear #momsatthebeach #beachwithbabies #beachwithtoddlers #beachwithkids #beachvacationgear #bestbeachgear #beachgearguide #beach #momlife #summermomlife #beachmom #beachfamily
We're meeting next week to build out podcast and b We're meeting next week to build out podcast and blog content for the next few months. What topics should be on our list to cover?
New episode! As moms, we are our kids' biggest fa New episode!

As moms, we are our kids' biggest fans. But when it comes to deciding when, how and what to share about them with others, the struggle is real. In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah discuss how talking about our own kids in a public forum gets tricky as they get older (think bigger kids, bigger problems) - and not just for the reasons you might think. Join us for a real conversation about navigating the ever-changing seasons of motherhood and how we think you can be honest and authentic without sharing *everything* going on inside your four walls. We wrap up with some updates on our specific kids (all eight!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Over the past few weeks, one of my kids - the one Over the past few weeks, one of my kids - the one who, as a baby and toddler, I would once have titled Most Likely To Wail So Long And Hard In The Gym Child Care That I Will Almost Certainly Have To Skip My Shower - has developed a bit of a fitness obsession. 

We've spent hours discussing his lifting program and gym schedule. And today, I scoured the grocery-store shelves for all the ingredients for a smoothie that will, I believe, help him get "jacked" and perhaps "make gains", then stood by as he prepared said smoothie, in case he needed assistance. (He did.)

The path from mothering toddlers to teens is full of surprises, friends. One day, you're trying to squeeze as much self-care as possible into the two-hour child care limit and wondering if the gym folks would catch you if you slipped out the side door for a solo sprint through the grocery store (never had the guts to try, but the temptation was strong.) 

But before you know it, the gym - and the coffee shop, and the inside of the car, and your favorite social media platforms - are no longer primarily your turf, but a shared domain where you try to find common ground even though you feel increasingly old and potentially cringe-inducing (and anyway, you've been told, clearly all the best reels were TikToks first.)

But you keep showing up. 

Because while it’s occasionally uncomfortable to wonder just how out of touch you’ve become since they were little, you also know there are bits of wisdom they rely on you for…wisdom such as how to secure the lid to the blender so you don’t wind up with protein smoothie on the ceiling.

And while they may never again look at you with with unquestioning adoration of a two-year-old, the respect you receive now, while less effusively expressed, is much harder-earned and well-deserved. 

Parenting teens, it seems, is all about striking the proper balance between humility and authority. I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet and maybe I never will. But I’m still in here punching the bag, and meting out my mothering efforts…one smoothie at a time. 

-M

#parentingteens #grownandflown #bigkidparenting #teens #motherhood
New episode! Moms are savvy consumers, conscienti New episode!

Moms are savvy consumers, conscientious home managers, and discerning decision-makers. So why are we so often the target of hyper-generalized and cringey marketing efforts? In today’s More Than Mom episode - airing on Mother's Day! - Meagan and Sarah keep it light (and a bit snarky 😉) as we vent about the sloppy intent, terrible puns and ridiculous stereotypes advertisers use to market to us moms.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Words by @sarahelimberg, contributor to The Mom Ho Words by @sarahelimberg, contributor to The Mom Hour and new mom of a toddler from San Diego:

--

#MyMomHour usually looks like this. Mid-day Saturday, exhausted from the work week, run down from the morning, heart full because I finally made it to a day with my little girl.

This window of free time is usually during nap with a quick lunch and an episode from the DVR archives that is no doubt a few weeks old. It’s probably the most relaxed and at peace I am all week.

What isn’t pictured is all the work it took to get to this point. All the effort it took to create this time for myself. It took meal planning and dishes after bedtime and house cleaning before breakfast and grocery orders and late night laundry and lunchtime emails and a coordinated vacuum run during our park trip.

I don’t think enough people acknowledge the work it takes for parents and caregivers to take time for themselves. There are endless people and Instagram posts telling you that you need time for yourself. Time to relax. Time to decompress. But I’m not seeing those same people recognize that it isn’t always that simple. I have yet to figure out how to say to my 15 month old, “Mommy needs some time, you good?”

So if you’re reading this during your mom hour, cheers.

If you’re taking two minutes to scroll on your phone in the bathroom, cheers.

Whether you’ve figured out your mom hour or not, I hope your mug is full. 

--

Want a mug like Sarah's? Click this image at the link in our bio.

Want to share what an hour for yourself looks like to you? Tag your post #MyMomHour so we can see it and share!
It's been so fun seeing our mugs out in the world, It's been so fun seeing our mugs out in the world, filled with your coffee and tea, sitting on your kitchen counters or porch steps. Get yours by clicking this image at the link in our bio, and follow the #MyMomHour hashtag to see how moms in our community are taking (or hoping for) an hour to themselves.

💛 ☕️ 💛
Words by @lisapayne4, contributor to The Mom Hour Words by @lisapayne4, contributor to The Mom Hour and mom of four from Kansas:

--

As a single mom of 4 who works full time out of the home, free time hasn’t always been plentiful. But new arrangements have found me with more free time than I’ve had for about 15 years.

Those first hours of free time included trying to figure out what I *do* with free time. Sitting paralyzed, figuring out which of the hundreds of things should occur in this unfamiliar and uncomfortable space of alone.

As the normalcy of the new schedule begins seeping in, indecisiveness trickles away like granules of sand dissipating in an hourglass. Both indicating the countdown to the old normalcy and the gentle flow of time.

Since I work well with organization, I make a mental list, prioritizing 1-2 items begging to be accomplished in #MyMomHour. Sometimes it’s a date with myself at the gym, or a tv show that my kids don’t need to (or want to) watch with me. Often, I’ll pop in an air pod and it’s a podcast, audiobook, music, or phone call while I take care of putting things back in order around the house. Sometimes I doodle on the writings I’ve started, seeing if any inspiration percolates.

I walk away feeling accomplished, refueled and more relaxed without so much clutter, one less pile on the counter or thing on the stairs. It rejuvenates a spirit in me to get back into something I’ve left behind, a friendship, an old project or hobby, self-care…even if it’s binge-watching a new (to me) series. And it always helps me be more present when the old normalcy returns.

--

Want a mug like Lisa's? Click this image at the link in our bio.

Want to share what an hour for yourself looks like to you? Tag your post #MyMomHour so we can see it and share!
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Hopping on the mic to record today, dealing with o Hopping on the mic to record today, dealing with our own everyday stressors, and pausing in total gratitude for reviews like this one, and communities like this. 💛 -M & S
New episode! Performances. Plays. Graduations. Th New episode!

Performances. Plays. Graduations. The lusty month of May is upon us as we ditch our well-oiled, calendar-planning systems and enter our end-of-school-year survival mode. In this episode, Meagan and Sarah share strategies for tackling the extra-ness of this season (like death by a thousand emails), setting intentions for the next few weeks and the many lessons May tries to teach us year after year (maybe someday we will learn?). Enjoy this May madness roundup as you dream of the peaceful, calm days of summer ahead (Ha, wouldn't that be great!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Happy Monday, friends! Tomorrow’s show is about Happy Monday, friends! Tomorrow’s show is about end-of-school madness and other May malarkey, and in the episode we talk about how there’s just not a lot of margin for anything EXTRA or UNPLANNED in May. But the universe doesn’t always listen to us, or respect our boundaries, so please enjoy this selfie in front of a fallen “tree branch” on my back patio.

(It’s actually like the size of an entire tree. But the tree itself is fine and still standing. It just lost like half its bulk in a windstorm on Friday night. Roof, house, humans, pets are all fine. Glad we don’t have any patio hangs on the May calendar!)

If you like to watch Stories, I’m doing a Day In The Life series all day today, where you can see what else is up in the Powers house. I hope all the branches stay on all the trees in your yard this month. -Sarah
Sarah joined @marnihughestv on @newsnationnow this Sarah joined @marnihughestv on @newsnationnow this weekend to talk about how the formula shortage is affecting moms in our community. You can watch the clip at the link in our bio.
A day at the beach with kids is, um, no day at the A day at the beach with kids is, um, no day at the beach. (Sorry, had to. 😎) There’s gear to pack, sand to remove from unseen regions, and safety and sun protection to be mindful of. Thanks to our team of contributors, we’ve got you covered on the blog this week with the products that will make your beach outing fun, safe, and comfortable at every age and stage.

Click this image at the link in our bio to get beach gear recs for every age and stage from baby through teen! And big thanks to @catieparrish @cafedumartin @stacybronec @kiamhammon @emilyeroark for the great suggestions!

#beachgear #momsatthebeach #beachwithbabies #beachwithtoddlers #beachwithkids #beachvacationgear #bestbeachgear #beachgearguide #beach #momlife #summermomlife #beachmom #beachfamily
We're meeting next week to build out podcast and b We're meeting next week to build out podcast and blog content for the next few months. What topics should be on our list to cover?
New episode! As moms, we are our kids' biggest fa New episode!

As moms, we are our kids' biggest fans. But when it comes to deciding when, how and what to share about them with others, the struggle is real. In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah discuss how talking about our own kids in a public forum gets tricky as they get older (think bigger kids, bigger problems) - and not just for the reasons you might think. Join us for a real conversation about navigating the ever-changing seasons of motherhood and how we think you can be honest and authentic without sharing *everything* going on inside your four walls. We wrap up with some updates on our specific kids (all eight!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Over the past few weeks, one of my kids - the one Over the past few weeks, one of my kids - the one who, as a baby and toddler, I would once have titled Most Likely To Wail So Long And Hard In The Gym Child Care That I Will Almost Certainly Have To Skip My Shower - has developed a bit of a fitness obsession. 

We've spent hours discussing his lifting program and gym schedule. And today, I scoured the grocery-store shelves for all the ingredients for a smoothie that will, I believe, help him get "jacked" and perhaps "make gains", then stood by as he prepared said smoothie, in case he needed assistance. (He did.)

The path from mothering toddlers to teens is full of surprises, friends. One day, you're trying to squeeze as much self-care as possible into the two-hour child care limit and wondering if the gym folks would catch you if you slipped out the side door for a solo sprint through the grocery store (never had the guts to try, but the temptation was strong.) 

But before you know it, the gym - and the coffee shop, and the inside of the car, and your favorite social media platforms - are no longer primarily your turf, but a shared domain where you try to find common ground even though you feel increasingly old and potentially cringe-inducing (and anyway, you've been told, clearly all the best reels were TikToks first.)

But you keep showing up. 

Because while it’s occasionally uncomfortable to wonder just how out of touch you’ve become since they were little, you also know there are bits of wisdom they rely on you for…wisdom such as how to secure the lid to the blender so you don’t wind up with protein smoothie on the ceiling.

And while they may never again look at you with with unquestioning adoration of a two-year-old, the respect you receive now, while less effusively expressed, is much harder-earned and well-deserved. 

Parenting teens, it seems, is all about striking the proper balance between humility and authority. I’m not sure I’ve figured it out yet and maybe I never will. But I’m still in here punching the bag, and meting out my mothering efforts…one smoothie at a time. 

-M

#parentingteens #grownandflown #bigkidparenting #teens #motherhood
New episode! Moms are savvy consumers, conscienti New episode!

Moms are savvy consumers, conscientious home managers, and discerning decision-makers. So why are we so often the target of hyper-generalized and cringey marketing efforts? In today’s More Than Mom episode - airing on Mother's Day! - Meagan and Sarah keep it light (and a bit snarky 😉) as we vent about the sloppy intent, terrible puns and ridiculous stereotypes advertisers use to market to us moms.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
Words by @sarahelimberg, contributor to The Mom Ho Words by @sarahelimberg, contributor to The Mom Hour and new mom of a toddler from San Diego:

--

#MyMomHour usually looks like this. Mid-day Saturday, exhausted from the work week, run down from the morning, heart full because I finally made it to a day with my little girl.

This window of free time is usually during nap with a quick lunch and an episode from the DVR archives that is no doubt a few weeks old. It’s probably the most relaxed and at peace I am all week.

What isn’t pictured is all the work it took to get to this point. All the effort it took to create this time for myself. It took meal planning and dishes after bedtime and house cleaning before breakfast and grocery orders and late night laundry and lunchtime emails and a coordinated vacuum run during our park trip.

I don’t think enough people acknowledge the work it takes for parents and caregivers to take time for themselves. There are endless people and Instagram posts telling you that you need time for yourself. Time to relax. Time to decompress. But I’m not seeing those same people recognize that it isn’t always that simple. I have yet to figure out how to say to my 15 month old, “Mommy needs some time, you good?”

So if you’re reading this during your mom hour, cheers.

If you’re taking two minutes to scroll on your phone in the bathroom, cheers.

Whether you’ve figured out your mom hour or not, I hope your mug is full. 

--

Want a mug like Sarah's? Click this image at the link in our bio.

Want to share what an hour for yourself looks like to you? Tag your post #MyMomHour so we can see it and share!

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