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in Blog on February 14, 2022 by Katherine DeVries

How To Make Mom Friends & Build Community As A New Parent

Making friends post-college was hard. Especially because my husband and I left our college apartments in May of 2010, and flew nearly 3000 miles away from friends and family to start our careers on the opposite coast. Between the work schedules, the commutes, and the fact that we no longer lived in a dorm full of same-age peers with whom we shared at least several common interests, the community of our dreams didn’t happen right away.

Over the years, we made a handful of good friends—most of whom were also couples. And then, in 2017, we were the first of that group to take the plunge into parenthood. And boy, did that shake things up again. 

I’ve found that a lot of people who are the first of their friend group to have a kid experience one of two realities: either they enjoy going out with their non-parent friends even more, because they’re desperate to not talk about their kid, or they find themselves alienated from their non-parent friends because they suddenly don’t have anything else to discuss. 

Personally, I was in the latter group. While I still adored my B.K. (Before Kids) friends, I suddenly felt like I had nothing in common with them anymore. In the blink of an eye, I was way more concerned about how to get my daughter to stop screaming when she pooped, and way less concerned about… well, literally anything else. And so I found myself feeling a little bit like an outsider with my old friends while simultaneously craving connection with people who understood what I was going through. 

And, to be honest, it was really hard. Because before you have a tiny baby, you’re not privy to the places and spaces that people with tiny babies tend to hang out. So when it came time for my six-week-postpartum appointment, and my absolutely lovely, peer-age O.B. asked how I was doing, I told her the truth. I was lonely. And it was hard. And now that my husband was back at work, I was really kind of dreading doing it all alone. 

So she handed me a flyer, and told me to attend the new mother’s support group at the hospital. “People tell me it’s life-changing,” she said.

At first, I was reluctant to go. Because, like many people, I found the label “support group” off-putting. Yes, new motherhood was hard. And sure, I cried a lot. But I didn’t need a “support group.” Did I? At the end of the day, however, I trusted my doctor. (Also, it didn’t take me long to admit to myself that my desperation was stronger than my insecurity.) So I went. 

And my O.B. was right. It was life-changing. Because suddenly I was in a room of other women who were all living the same experience as me. They had brand new babies, inadequate support networks, and a cornucopia of struggles. Each Tuesday at 9 a.m., we talked about baby poop, prolapses, c-section scars, feeding struggles, sleep schedules, and everything in between. Oftentimes, afterwards, we would take our babies out to lunch, or to the park, or even to each other’s backyards. 

And the best part was that every time a member of our group found another group, or activity, for parents of young babies, we told everyone else about it. And our circles continued to grow. 

To this day, some of my closest friends are women I met through that hospital support group, or one of the many other groups I joined as a result. And while I’m now three kids deep, and motherhood is still really hard and lonely sometimes, I have so much more support than I did back then—and it really makes all the difference in the world. 

I know that those of you reading this will be coming to it from all over the country, so I’ll do my best to share with you the resources that I found most helpful when I was fresh to the mom-friend game, while focusing on the one’s that might be available to all of you as well, no matter where you are. Most importantly, however, I encourage anyone who’s struggling to find their tribe to ask for help. If I hadn’t mentioned my struggles to my O.B. way back when, I’m sure it would have taken many, many more lonely months before I figured it out on my own. 

Building Community Before Baby

Before I gave birth to my first, I took a variety of birth, and infant-preparation classes. I did this, firstly, because I was completely clueless about everything from pushing a baby out to changing a diaper, but I ended up making some friends there as a result. 

I chose to take a Bradley Method class, which is a natural childbirth class, focused on partner-supported birth. Full disclosure, I did not once have what The Bradley Method would consider a “natural birth,” in that I had epidurals, Pitocin, etc, etc. However, I am still so grateful for the information I learned in this class, and the community of parents I met there. In fact, one of my five-year-old daughter’s best friends is a little girl whose mother was in my Bradley class. (So, technically, they’ve known each other since they were fetuses). 

If you’re not interested in Bradley, there are other courses, such as Lamaze, Birth it Up, or Kopa Birth, which have regional and online options as well. If you’re looking to give birth through a birthing center, or with a doula, they can also be great resources when it comes to helping you find birth support, and new-parent groups. 

Postpartum Hospital Groups

I gave birth to all three of my babies at Long Beach Memorial Hospital in Long Beach, California. If you happen to be a local, the program I enrolled in through them (which is the one my O.B. recommended) was called Nurturing the New You: Free Parent & Baby Support Group. The last time I visited my O.B.’s office a few weeks ago, the flyer was still posted on a bulletin board by the door, so I am happy to report that it’s still running.

If you’re interested in finding a similar support group at your local hospital, I recommend starting with your care team, and then taking to the internet if they don’t know. Most hospitals’ websites (particularly women’s and children’s hospitals) will have a page for “Events and Classes,” which is likely the best place to start. 

Community Center & Religious Organization Classes

The second class I enrolled in, at the suggestion of one of the other moms in my “new mom support group,” was a mommy-and-me class at my local Jewish Community Center. My family happens to be Jewish, but at least half of the other parents in this class were not. (And I say parents because there were a few dads in attendance as well.) 

If you are lucky enough to have a JCC in your area, definitely check it out. Ours runs a whole slew of parent participation classes for babies and toddlers, as well as one of the largest, and most beloved, preschools in the area. 

I also recommend looking for classes and/or parent groups through other local community centers and churches. While some may be restricted to members, others likely aren’t, and it never hurts to ask. I even joined a mom’s group at a local church in my neighborhood, after I heard that a friend was involved in it. I am not affiliated with the church, but they welcomed me in nonetheless, and I have met some truly wonderful neighbors there. 

Lots of private preschools also offer mommy and me class options, so it’s also worth searching for things like Montessori, Reggio, or Waldorf schools in your area, and checking out their course offerings. Some of these can be pretty pricey, but they’re also a great way to start feeling out the different schooling models before you actually have to choose one. 

And lastly, if you are a member of a church or other religious community, it’s likely that they have parent support groups as well. The temple that my family attends has classes for parents, as well as services specifically designed for parents of young children. In my neighborhood, these services take place outside, and are a wonderful opportunity to meet other like-minded kids and families. 

Fit4Mom

If you’re already put-off by the name of this one, don’t be. I assure you that during my four plus years as a member of this organization, I have done far more socializing than exercising.

Fit4Mom is an organization that is composed of local, mom-owned franchises which run exercise groups for moms, families, and pregnant women. I have participated in pretty much every variety offered in my neighborhood (stroller strides, body back, run club, and fit4baby) and loved all of them. The classes are very much at your own pace, and focused on building community, in addition to health and fitness. Most classes are designed for mom and baby to attend together, and most local groups host a variety of social events as well, such as moms nights out, and family field trips. While I don’t attend classes much anymore (it’s a bit tricky to push three kids in a jogging stroller), Fit4Mom, and the community it provided for me, will always have a soft spot in my heart. 

Music Classes & Indoor Playgrounds

My two older kids both participated in the Music Together program, which is a family music class for kids and babies as young as a few weeks old. Music Together has locations all over the country, and often offers mixed-age classes so that siblings can attend together. 

We’ve also enjoyed classes offered through local indoor playgrounds, such as My Gym, which has hundreds of locations and hosts a variety of age-based playgroups for kids and parents. 

While I didn’t make as much of a permanent community through these classes, having places to go certain days of the week really benefitted my mental health—especially during those quiet early months with my first baby. 

Put Yourself Out There! (And Hook Your Friends Up, Too)

I met one of my closest neighbor friends outside of her house. One afternoon, I was walking by with two kids in tow, and must have looked exhausted, because she called to me from her front porch and asked if we wanted to draw with chalk on their driveway. Five minutes later, all four of our children were coloring together, and we were chatting away, seltzer waters in hand. Now I know that this might sound like an unlikely scenario, but the more you put yourself out there, the more likely something is to click. So say hello to your neighbors, ask moms at the park for their digits, and find the other mom at the bake sale who also brought store-bought cookies, and see if she wants to meet for coffee. 

And then, when you’re old and gray (which, if you have kids, will be about 35), don’t forget how important those early relationships were to you. So when that friend of yours who is just about to give birth to her first kid comes and asks you for advice, you can give her the names and numbers of all the other expecting moms you know—she’ll thank you for it later. 

For Southern California Locals — The New Mom School

The last organization I feel like I have to mention—because I loved them so much—is The New Mom School. This organization runs classes out of Long Beach, and Newport Beach, for cohorts of new moms. You can sign up before, or soon after, giving birth, and will be assigned to a group of moms who all have babies born within a month or two of yours. Each cohort meets weekly, to commiserate, share advice, and engage with a variety of experts and professionals, on topics ranging from baby sleep, to returning to work after maternity leave. I actually enrolled in this class after having my third baby and really loved the sense of community I found there. If you do happen to be local to the Southern California area, I highly recommend checking them out. 

Sound familiar! Meagan and Sarah hosted a live event at The New Mom School in Newport Beach in 2018!

Why It Matters

All in all, the community I’ve built over the past five years has meant the world to both me, and my kids. The friends I have made have supported me through some of the most challenging (and sleep-deprived) days of my life, and have given me the space to still be me during the seasons when motherhood feels so all-consuming.

But even more importantly, connecting with other families has allowed me to see, first hand, that there really isn’t one right way to do motherhood. There are people in my life whom I love dearly, and who parent their kids very differently than I parent mine. I think that understanding and accepting these differences has made me a better, less judgmental, and more compassionate person, and I’m hopeful it’s doing the same for my kids, as well. 

And I hope that all of you reading this don’t walk away wondering how in the world I have time for so many activities. And so many friends. Because at the end of the day, I don’t. My participation in the groups and organizations mentioned above has fluctuated depending on the season my family and I are in, and my relationships have as well. I think that many of us are raised with the fantasy of a “best-friend” who experiences all of life’s struggles and milestones at the exact same pace as we do when, in reality, that’s actually exceedingly rare. For most of us, our friendships will always be evolving, and some of them (read: a lot of them) won’t last forever. So if you’re just embarking on a community-building journey, at whatever phase of motherhood you’re at, just remember: it doesn’t have to be perfect, to still be really, really good.

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About Katherine DeVries

Katherine is a stay-at-home-mom to three kids. She and her husband are originally from the Midwest but now reside in sunny, Southern California. Before taking time off last year, she spent 10 years teaching middle school English in public and charter schools throughout the Los Angeles area. She has a passion for literature (of both the children and adult varieties) which she shares on her personal blog, The Paper Dart.

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"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

#juneteenth #history #blackhistory #parenting #juneteenthbooksforkids #summerreading
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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

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Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 minutes moving 25 chickens by hand from their home to the new chicken yard, because they refused to go on their own. And then an hour moving them back, because same.

It reminded me a lot of mothering a toddler, and got me wondering: what’s the most ridiculous thing mom life has brought you in the past week? -M
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Have you ever fantasized about attending a camp-like environment for grown-ups? Much about the classic summer camp experience is appealing to us (though not EVERYTHING--we could certainly do without the bugs), and the idea of simply showing up for a perfectly curated experience without any responsibility, or planning, sounds AMAZING. Listen to this fun More Than Mom to hear all of our must-have activities (like food and wine tastings, yoga, personal style consults and more!), things that would be a hard no (like swimming in the gross, murky lake or participating in corny, guided crafts) and our daydreams about creating a Mom Hour Retreat (maybe someday?)!

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One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

Most of us enjoy having a clean and tidy home, but have you ever kept track of how much you do throughout the week to keep it that way? In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah share what seven days of real-life housework looks like in our homes. We reflect on the tasks we knew went into running a home, and some surprising ones we never thought of as housework before (like picking plums and chasing chickens!). Whether you prioritize deep-cleaning on a regular schedule or tend to tidy as you go and hope for the best, it’s eye-opening and gratifying to acknowledge the work that goes into managing a home full of kids.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June spons Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June sponsors! Every month, we like to take a little time to shoutout our partners who help support the show + remind our listeners of some of the great deals our sponsors are offering. For more info, specific promo codes, and links, just search the brand name on our website, and they'll pop up in our episode show notes. We also collect ALL our active promo codes (even the old ones that are still working!) in our email newsletter - which is full of other great things we want to share with you, too. Tap on this image at the link in our bio to subscribe today. 

Meet our NEW partners this month . . .
🗣️ @connectspeech (early language support!)
💙 @appahealth (1st month of mentorship free!)
💄 @thrivecausemetics (15% off your 1st order)

And welcome back to . . .
⭐️ @paireyewear (15% off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @autoapprove ($100 when you refinance!)
⭐️ @outschool ($15 off your child's 1st class!)
⭐️ @mindandchild ($20 off Parenting 101 course!)
⭐️ @flowkey_com (20% off subscription piano app!)
⭐️ @stitchfix ($20 off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @publicgoods ($15 off, no minimum!)
⭐️ @scholasticinc (books for kids of all ages!)
⭐️ @hiyahealth (50% off 1st order!)
⭐️ @kiwico_inc (30% off your 1st mo!)
⭐️ @ritual (10% off 1st 3 mo!)
⭐️ @athleticgreens (1yr of Vit.D + 5 travel packs!)
⭐️ @vionicshoes (free shipping on cute shoes!)
⭐️ @project_wren (10 trees planted when you sign up!)
New episode! If you travel with kids, it’s just New episode!

If you travel with kids, it’s just a matter of time before a trip goes off the rails in spectacular fashion. Maybe it’s a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, or an expensive vacation spent sick in a pricey hotel room. Today Sarah is joined by @catieparrish @stacybronec @emilyeroark and @lisaapayne4 – regular contributors to the show and seasoned travelers with a combined 13 kids – who share their most memorable travel mishap stories. (Full disclaimer: there will be puke-talk.) In sharing these stories, we hope to normalize that travel with kids doesn’t have to go perfectly to be “worth it” and remind you that you’re not alone if this summer’s adventures go awry. Plus, one of the only perks to surviving stories like these is that we get to laugh about them later.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #travelingwoes #travelingwithkids #familytravelmishaps
New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learn New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learning About Juneteenth, As A Family.

"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

#juneteenth #history #blackhistory #parenting #juneteenthbooksforkids #summerreading
New episode! As moms, we can be hard on ourselves New episode!

As moms, we can be hard on ourselves…and sometimes we just need to hear the simplest, oft-repeated pieces of advice and encouragement to remind us that it is all going to be OK. Join Meagan and Sarah for a reflection on eight pieces of wisdom that have carried us through motherhood struggles at every age and stage. We are offering them to you, to ourselves, and to all of our future selves in Episode 369.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #momtruisms #momtruths #parentingadvice #motherhoodstruggles
Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 minutes moving 25 chickens by hand from their home to the new chicken yard, because they refused to go on their own. And then an hour moving them back, because same.

It reminded me a lot of mothering a toddler, and got me wondering: what’s the most ridiculous thing mom life has brought you in the past week? -M
New episode! Have you ever fantasized about atten New episode!

Have you ever fantasized about attending a camp-like environment for grown-ups? Much about the classic summer camp experience is appealing to us (though not EVERYTHING--we could certainly do without the bugs), and the idea of simply showing up for a perfectly curated experience without any responsibility, or planning, sounds AMAZING. Listen to this fun More Than Mom to hear all of our must-have activities (like food and wine tastings, yoga, personal style consults and more!), things that would be a hard no (like swimming in the gross, murky lake or participating in corny, guided crafts) and our daydreams about creating a Mom Hour Retreat (maybe someday?)!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #summercamps #womenretreats #momretreat
New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBT New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBTQ+ Resources For Parents (And Anyone Who Wants To Learn!). 

"The fact is, none of us will get it right every time. Not with each other, and certainly not with our kids. But it’s important that we keep showing up and having the conversations anyway."

Click this image at the link in our bio to access Jayme's roundup of resources.

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