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in Blog on March 18, 2022 by Joanne Ruelos Diaz

“This Is Too Hard!”: How I’m Showing My Kids The Importance Of Doing Hard Things

This post is part of a paid partnership with BeeAware Allergy; all tips and ideas are the author’s. Get reliable information about bee sting allergy symptoms, as well as testing and treatment options at beeawareallergy.com.

I can’t.
I don’t have the right pencil.
This is too hard!
I will NEVER understand this!
I’m so bad at this!
This is stupid!
Why do I even need to know this?
I can’t.

Eight long months of virtual school gave me a front-row seat to how my kids react when faced with a challenge. Whether it was learning multiplication or struggling through a writing prompt, some assignments triggered a tornado of feelings, thoughts, shouting, and tears from my third grader.

And I hate to admit it, but as a writer who was in third grade more than thirty years ago, my writing process is sometimes pretty similar.

At our last parent-teacher conferences, both my kids’ teachers had some feedback that hit my husband and me close to home. In a nutshell, the kids – now six and ten – are doing fine. Great, even! But at times, they are very hard on themselves. One teacher said, “I know he knows how to do it. It’s just his mindset that needs to change, so he can do the work.”

Oof. It’s hard to see your kids display your own personality traits.

In the go-to manual, Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right by Jamie Glowacki, there’s a whole chapter dedicated to poop. Along with a ton of helpful advice, the author suggests that before potty training, you let your child in the bathroom with you, and you let them watch you poop. “This is the best way to model the behavior you want,” she writes. “They can see that you might take more than a minute. They may see that it could require some facial expressions, some grunting and the like. And they can see that poop falls out of you, into the toilet, and nobody dies because of it.”

My kids have been fully potty trained for years now—and so have I. But I’m a late bloomer when it comes to a different kind of nerve-wracking, messy, and everyday fact-of-life crap: identifying and expressing my feelings. As a human and as a parent, I’m learning more every day about how important and helpful it is for calming the anxiety storm and moving more easily through discomfort. For my children’s emotional and mental health, as well as my own, I’m trying to be more aware of how I process doing hard things and talking about the process as I go.

Here’s what I (try to) do to model working through tough stuff in front of my kids:

1) Name what I’m feeling.

In any given day, there’s no lack of opportunity for me to name when I’m feeling frustrated, worried, nervous, scared, overwhelmed, annoyed, irritated.

By naming what I’m feeling, I’m hoping my kids see what different emotions look like, that they’re realizing these emotions are common and normal, and that they’re temporary.

2) Pause to audibly breathe.

Over the last few years, I’ve realized I often hold my breath reflexively. A deep breath gives me a chance to process, pause, and reset. I’ll be honest and say that sometimes this comes out as more of a deep sigh or an agonized groan. But in any event, the vocalization helps me move through a tough moment. When I’m annoyed at my kids for wrestling with each other instead of brushing their teeth which I have asked them do, “THREE TIMES NOW,” I’ll add in, “I’m taking a deep breath…” If I’m lucky, they take that moment as a cue to run and brush their teeth—and learn that breathing is a way to move through frustration.

3) Try something. Then try something else.

“Try” is such a great word. It takes the pressure off of finding THE solution and emphasizes finding A solution. “Let’s give it a try!” is in every preschool television show episode for a reason. Older kids may grumble when cajoled with “Just try!”, and I get it. Trying is annoying! It feels like a waste of time. They “already know it’s not going to work” or “isn’t right” or “isn’t good enough.”

But it’s so important to be reminded that breaking through the barrier of “I can’t” begins with “I’ll try.” I do this a lot with my younger son who likes to draw. He gets upset with himself when his drawings don’t come out the way he wants. But he is much more understanding when I try to draw next to him. “I tried to draw a bear, but this doesn’t look right at all!” I’ll say. “Maybe I need to make the ears bigger? I’m going to look at a picture to remember what a bear looks like.” It’s a small moment to show that the plan in my head and the execution often don’t match up right away.

4) Take breaks.

My kids know that it takes me a long time to clean the kitchen. They also know that cleaning the house and making them participate makes me grouchy. And they definitely know how much I like to nap, read, and scroll on my phone. When I flop on the couch and stare at my phone, I’ll say, “Okay! Now that I’m done with the dishes, I’m going to take a break for a few minutes before I…”

When doing hard things or an overwhelming number of not-so-hard things, sometimes we need a deep-breath reset, sometimes we need a few minutes to give our brains a break, and sometimes we need a nap. When I hear my kids say, “I need to rest,” I feel proud they’re getting the message. If they know when they need a break, they’re less likely to reach complete meltdown.

5) Acknowledge accomplishments of all sizes.

When things go well, I try (see that word again?) to point out how everyone contributed to making that happen—including me. We recently went away for the weekend. Getting out of the house is usually stressful with packing, not leaving the house a disaster, and refereeing the kids bickering. But this last time, I was pleasantly surprised. My husband and I divided our preparation between us. The kids packed their own clothes, their own entertainment, and their own snacks. When we made it out the door on time and not annoyed with one another, I said, “I’m proud of us!”

This isn’t going to sound wise, but I’ll say it anyway: Doing hard things is…hard.

No matter how old we are, it is so helpful to realize that feelings like frustration, overwhelm, incompetency, and fear are valid and normal. One way we can help our kids learn how to work through struggles is to let them see and hear us work through our own. If your home is anything like mine, you’ll have opportunities to model moving through frustration, overwhelm, incompetency and fear multiple times every day.

P.S. For the record, during potty training, I did let my kids watch me poop once or twice. Ever since then I’ve been happy to model privacy and shutting the bathroom door.


About BeeAware

BeeAware understands that letting kids experience independence – especially in the summertime – can be hard for parents. But with planning, preparation, and modeling the bravery we hope to see in our kids, a summer of fun IS possible. Find out more at BeeAwareAllergy.com.

Click play on the episode below to hear Meagan and Sarah talk about working through the tough emotions that surround letting kids experience increased independence – especially in the summertime:

Related

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: big kids, self

About Joanne Ruelos Diaz

Joanne is a writer, editor, and children’s book author living in Northern New Jersey with her husband and two boys. All together, they share lots of laughs, a love of reading, and one bathroom. She has a children’s book coming out in November 2021 called THE LITTLE BOOK OF JOY, and it shares small ways to celebrate and find joy every day of the year. She finds all different kinds of joy by writing for children and grown-ups. You can see a little more about Joanne at JoanneRuelosDiaz.com.

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Comments

  1. Halston Mavrick says

    March 22, 2022 at 6:10 pm

    Love the part about recognizing everyone’s contributions. Great reminder!

    Reply
  2. Jayme says

    March 23, 2022 at 5:46 am

    I love the phrase “I’m proud of us!” Promotes self efficacy and teamwork! Thanks, Joanne!

    Reply
    • Joanne says

      March 23, 2022 at 9:01 am

      Thank you, Jayme!

      Reply
  3. Katie says

    March 24, 2022 at 6:13 pm

    I needed this today ♥️ I’m working on this right now with my little one and it’s so hard seeing him lack confidence in himself. Thanks for this!

    Reply

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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

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"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

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Click this image at the link in our bio to access Jayme's roundup of resources.
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#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

Most of us enjoy having a clean and tidy home, but have you ever kept track of how much you do throughout the week to keep it that way? In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah share what seven days of real-life housework looks like in our homes. We reflect on the tasks we knew went into running a home, and some surprising ones we never thought of as housework before (like picking plums and chasing chickens!). Whether you prioritize deep-cleaning on a regular schedule or tend to tidy as you go and hope for the best, it’s eye-opening and gratifying to acknowledge the work that goes into managing a home full of kids.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June spons Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June sponsors! Every month, we like to take a little time to shoutout our partners who help support the show + remind our listeners of some of the great deals our sponsors are offering. For more info, specific promo codes, and links, just search the brand name on our website, and they'll pop up in our episode show notes. We also collect ALL our active promo codes (even the old ones that are still working!) in our email newsletter - which is full of other great things we want to share with you, too. Tap on this image at the link in our bio to subscribe today. 

Meet our NEW partners this month . . .
🗣️ @connectspeech (early language support!)
💙 @appahealth (1st month of mentorship free!)
💄 @thrivecausemetics (15% off your 1st order)

And welcome back to . . .
⭐️ @paireyewear (15% off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @autoapprove ($100 when you refinance!)
⭐️ @outschool ($15 off your child's 1st class!)
⭐️ @mindandchild ($20 off Parenting 101 course!)
⭐️ @flowkey_com (20% off subscription piano app!)
⭐️ @stitchfix ($20 off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @publicgoods ($15 off, no minimum!)
⭐️ @scholasticinc (books for kids of all ages!)
⭐️ @hiyahealth (50% off 1st order!)
⭐️ @kiwico_inc (30% off your 1st mo!)
⭐️ @ritual (10% off 1st 3 mo!)
⭐️ @athleticgreens (1yr of Vit.D + 5 travel packs!)
⭐️ @vionicshoes (free shipping on cute shoes!)
⭐️ @project_wren (10 trees planted when you sign up!)
New episode! If you travel with kids, it’s just New episode!

If you travel with kids, it’s just a matter of time before a trip goes off the rails in spectacular fashion. Maybe it’s a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, or an expensive vacation spent sick in a pricey hotel room. Today Sarah is joined by @catieparrish @stacybronec @emilyeroark and @lisaapayne4 – regular contributors to the show and seasoned travelers with a combined 13 kids – who share their most memorable travel mishap stories. (Full disclaimer: there will be puke-talk.) In sharing these stories, we hope to normalize that travel with kids doesn’t have to go perfectly to be “worth it” and remind you that you’re not alone if this summer’s adventures go awry. Plus, one of the only perks to surviving stories like these is that we get to laugh about them later.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #travelingwoes #travelingwithkids #familytravelmishaps
New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learn New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learning About Juneteenth, As A Family.

"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

#juneteenth #history #blackhistory #parenting #juneteenthbooksforkids #summerreading
New episode! As moms, we can be hard on ourselves New episode!

As moms, we can be hard on ourselves…and sometimes we just need to hear the simplest, oft-repeated pieces of advice and encouragement to remind us that it is all going to be OK. Join Meagan and Sarah for a reflection on eight pieces of wisdom that have carried us through motherhood struggles at every age and stage. We are offering them to you, to ourselves, and to all of our future selves in Episode 369.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #momtruisms #momtruths #parentingadvice #motherhoodstruggles
Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 minutes moving 25 chickens by hand from their home to the new chicken yard, because they refused to go on their own. And then an hour moving them back, because same.

It reminded me a lot of mothering a toddler, and got me wondering: what’s the most ridiculous thing mom life has brought you in the past week? -M
New episode! Have you ever fantasized about atten New episode!

Have you ever fantasized about attending a camp-like environment for grown-ups? Much about the classic summer camp experience is appealing to us (though not EVERYTHING--we could certainly do without the bugs), and the idea of simply showing up for a perfectly curated experience without any responsibility, or planning, sounds AMAZING. Listen to this fun More Than Mom to hear all of our must-have activities (like food and wine tastings, yoga, personal style consults and more!), things that would be a hard no (like swimming in the gross, murky lake or participating in corny, guided crafts) and our daydreams about creating a Mom Hour Retreat (maybe someday?)!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #summercamps #womenretreats #momretreat
New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBT New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBTQ+ Resources For Parents (And Anyone Who Wants To Learn!). 

"The fact is, none of us will get it right every time. Not with each other, and certainly not with our kids. But it’s important that we keep showing up and having the conversations anyway."

Click this image at the link in our bio to access Jayme's roundup of resources.

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