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in Blog on November 6, 2018 by Sarah Powers

On Imperfect Gratitude

This essay originally appeared in our monthly newsletter for The Mom Hour podcast. To get our emails, subscribe here. –Sarah

November has a turning-inwardness about it, doesn’t it? After October’s raucous, costumed finale, many of us look forward to a quieter, more reflective month. We turn back our clocks and the days end darker, sooner. The weather invites us inside, practically requiring us to roast and stew things. We swear off sugar–at least until pie time (just me?). If we’re so inclined, we can enjoy the anticipation of the winter holidays; if not, we can put that off a little and just appreciate the satisfaction of hunkering down.

And, of course, we start thinking about gratitude–because the internet tells us it’s time. I’m guessing you’ve seen the popular thankfulness practices popping up online this month (are you participating in one? reply and let me know! I’d love to hear about it). You can post what you’re grateful for daily on social media, you can try a journaling practice, or you can include your kids and build a tree or fill a jar. If something less structured is more your speed (or if you just don’t have it in you this year–BEEN THERE), you can still absorb November’s attitude of gratitude by internet osmosis, appreciating it as a bystander and offering occasional silent thanks in whatever way feels natural to you.

In other words, no pressure to be grateful this month–online or elsewhere; if you are feeling grateful, however you choose to observe it is just fine. The practice of gratitude is what nourishes; the publicity of it is a lovely garnish you can take or leave as you wish.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m prompted or inspired to think of things I’m thankful for, the first things that come to mind are the areas of life that are on track, working well, or going according to plan. The cooling weather, a particularly sweet and easygoing phase for one of the kids, that conversation with a friend that meant so much. My personality (Enneagram 1, Upholder) naturally looks for things that are “right” and things that “need improvement” and I feel extra giddy (and, to be honest, a bit smug) when round pegs fit into the round holes I designed for them.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t be grateful for these things–there’s nothing wrong with pausing in thanks to acknowledge when things go well or fall into place just so. But there’s a darker flip side to this approach to gratitude: If I’m grateful only for the easy and perfect stuff, there’s a good chance I’m feeling resentful about the stuff that isn’t.

So I’ve been making an an effort to reframe gratitude and struggle in a new way, purposefully pairing instead of separating them, and challenging myself to find gratitude in less pretty and predictable places. In addition to giving thanks for the child who helps around the house without asking, I’m also grateful for the one who tests my patience and pushes my buttons. One makes life a little easier, the other invites me to grow; I am fortunate to have both.

I’ll be honest: this doesn’t come naturally to me. I resist pretty hard when things aren’t going the way I want, and acceptance is challenging enough, never mind actually giving thanks for life’s hard stuff. But like any other practice, it gets easier. I’ve started small, by being grateful for messes and mistakes, awkward conversations and stressful deadlines, tantrums and hormonal breakouts. My hope is that this creates new neural pathways and thought patterns, so that even the bigger hard stuff can be met with the same mindset.

Because conditional gratitude–being thankful for what you have as long as it’s what you wanted–isn’t really what we’re after, is it? The original Thanksgiving feast wasn’t a celebration of a Plan Well Executed; it was just the opposite, a coming-together in hope and weariness to say “Well, that didn’t go well at all, did it? And yet, here we are.”

So whatever kind of thankful you’re practicing this month, maybe there’s value in including something imperfect on the list. Maybe you’ll find this mixed-up acceptance/gratitude/struggle sandwich in a strained relationship or a broken dishwasher; maybe it’s something even bigger, like a miscarriage or a diagnosis. Whatever it is, I’m here with you, grateful for the growth that hard stuff brings with it, and for the opportunity to get comfier with imperfection.

(Also, I’m super cool with being thankful that you nailed your family photo this year, or that the weather cooperated with trick-or-treating. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater. ;))

Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

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Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: TMHHoliday

About Sarah Powers

Sarah Powers is co-host and Executive Producer of The Mom Hour podcast. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA with her husband and three kids, ages 9, 11, and 13.

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We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. W We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. We'll be back Tuesday with a new episode, and in the meantime we send you all the good vibes for stress-free celebrations and exactly the type of holiday weekend you have the bandwidth for. Parades optional (IYKYK). Sending love, and we’ll talk to you next week. -M & S
Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years ago when she had a houseful of little kids and a full-time career. On the podcast this week we talk about making peace with the endlessness that is managing a family home - have you listened? Click this image at the link in our bio to visit the show notes, where you can click play to hear our discussion, as well as find the link to this original blog post. 💛
It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with w It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with words I’ve scratched out since 5:00. I have five minutes until I need to wake the big kids up for school. Taking one last sip of my cold coffee, I stretch my arms above my head, then walk down the hall. The house is still clean, but soon, tiny feet will hit the floor, and the work of parenting and running a household will begin again.

I gently open the kids’ bedroom door and stand on the bottom bunk, reaching my hand into the top bunk to place it on Rhett’s head. His breath is slow and steady; he’s still deep asleep. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the day ahead. 

Opening my eyes, I tickle his head, “Hey buddy, it’s time to get up,” I whisper. “I’ve got breakfast on the table.”

“It’s so early,” he grumbles, curling into a ball. 

“I know, but it’s time,” I say, anticipating what he will say next.

“Can you carry me?” he asks. 

I start to protest; that he’s too heavy and big enough to do it by himself. But I pause, knowing he’s asking me to step back a bit—that he hasn’t made the jump to a “big kid” just yet. And maybe, while there aren’t three easy steps to parenting, he’s reminding me I can do this—one step at a time.

--

✨ Read @stacybronec's essay by clicking this image at the link in our bio. ✨
New episode! Not feeling like an expert in the ho New episode!

Not feeling like an expert in the housework realm? Turns out, very few of feel like we know what we are doing. Last week Meagan and Sarah talked about WHAT we do to keep our households in a state of "good enough," and this week's Part Two is all about the feelings that came up as we tracked a week of real-life housework. We dive into some of our insecurities as home managers, the difference between housework and mothering, and some of the really sticky aspects of finding your identity as a mom and homemaker in the 21st century. We have LOTs of thoughts - and we hope you'll join us!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #housework #reallifehousework #feelings #homemanagerinsecurities #momin21stcentury
This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, lea This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, learning to mother a sweet but mystifying baby boy while most of my friends were in the middle of their junior year of college. I had a stubborn optimistic streak and a supportive family in my corner, but not much else.

When I look at the girl I was then, I'm so glad that optimism won out and that Jacob is here today. Motherhood was a life-altering experience that shaped everything about the person I became.

But when I think about the lack of practical and active societal support that girl and her baby received nearly twenty-five years ago, I'm sad and angry. What (inadequate) assistance was offered came tinged with a sense of failure and shame. And the movement working tirelessly to protect the rights of my unborn baby largely seemed to ignore my personhood except as a means to keep him alive.

Even for the much more privileged, it's a tough time to be a mother. The needs of moms (and by extension, living children) are ignored, and we all pay the price.

At The Mom Hour, we are Pro-Mom. We value our entire community and celebrate that this group represents a diverse set of backgrounds and beliefs. Our goal is to always be part of a dynamic and inclusive conversation, not an echo chamber or soapbox.

We also believe that mothers have immense value in their own right, not merely as a vessel for new life, or the means by which to kept that life fed, warm, clean, disciplined, entertained, and educated for the next 18+ years. Motherhood is not a consequence or a political tool. Mothers should not be the collateral damage of other people's beliefs. We are important, worthy of consideration, and worthy of care.

When I look back at the girl in this picture, I wish I'd known how valuable I was: not just for what I could do for the baby on my hip, but simply because I existed. 

I hope you all know it now, and that it colors not only the way you treat yourself but the way you treat other moms.

Because we all deserve it, and now more than ever, we need each other.-M

p.s.: I wrote about the origins of belief and the benefits of challenging them over at @meaganfrancis today. Would love to hear your thoughts.
New episode! What we remember from childhood help New episode!

What we remember from childhood helps build our narrative of who we were - even if those memories are fuzzy or slightly flawed. Today Meagan and Sarah get in the way-WAY-back machine and reflect on what we were like as kids and teens. As a child, Meagan was dreamy, imaginative, chatty, and obsessed with balloons (!!), while Sarah was studious, quiet-but-sociable, responsible, and circumstantially prone to tears. We touch on how our personalities developed as we grew up, whether we were “popular” or not, and if we felt clueless or confident come high school. Join us for this fun More Than Mom to get a glimpse into our growing up years (at least the way we remember it!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #growingup #childhoodmemories #memories
The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, a The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, and I (Sarah) wanted to share two things:

1️⃣ In Episode 365 we shared listeners’ best family travel tips, and so many moms talked about stocking up on snacks (you can’t have too many, they said!). ONE listener shared that their family does the opposite: bring almost zero snacks so that kids are plenty hungry when it’s time to stop, and so that those gas station purchases seem even more special. We tried the latter today and it worked GREAT for my kids. We had some very uninteresting, nutritious snacks in the car, and then we let them each pick two things from our first convenience store stop. They were THRILLED, and I didn’t overbuy on stuff nobody wanted.

💡 Takeaway: Sometimes the opposite of what everyone else is doing is right for you! 

2️⃣ Meagan and I made a conscious decision last year to move away from recommending Amazon (and profiting from those recommendations) as the solution for *everything*. It’s not a boycott at all - just a gentle redirection  of our influence toward small, local, or even just *different* retailers. In my personal life, I have moved away from Amazon for almost all recurring everyday essentials, and it has felt right for me. HOWEVER: When stocking up for a road trip, bless the everything store and Jeff B take all my money. These seatback caddies with touch screens for iPads are cheap and may not last beyond this trip but they’re working GREAT.

💡 Takeaway: The 80/20 rule is a-OK. If you need permission to break your own rules, consider this it.

Safe travels, friends. ♥️
One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

Most of us enjoy having a clean and tidy home, but have you ever kept track of how much you do throughout the week to keep it that way? In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah share what seven days of real-life housework looks like in our homes. We reflect on the tasks we knew went into running a home, and some surprising ones we never thought of as housework before (like picking plums and chasing chickens!). Whether you prioritize deep-cleaning on a regular schedule or tend to tidy as you go and hope for the best, it’s eye-opening and gratifying to acknowledge the work that goes into managing a home full of kids.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June spons Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June sponsors! Every month, we like to take a little time to shoutout our partners who help support the show + remind our listeners of some of the great deals our sponsors are offering. For more info, specific promo codes, and links, just search the brand name on our website, and they'll pop up in our episode show notes. We also collect ALL our active promo codes (even the old ones that are still working!) in our email newsletter - which is full of other great things we want to share with you, too. Tap on this image at the link in our bio to subscribe today. 

Meet our NEW partners this month . . .
🗣️ @connectspeech (early language support!)
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⭐️ @project_wren (10 trees planted when you sign up!)
New episode! If you travel with kids, it’s just New episode!

If you travel with kids, it’s just a matter of time before a trip goes off the rails in spectacular fashion. Maybe it’s a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, or an expensive vacation spent sick in a pricey hotel room. Today Sarah is joined by @catieparrish @stacybronec @emilyeroark and @lisaapayne4 – regular contributors to the show and seasoned travelers with a combined 13 kids – who share their most memorable travel mishap stories. (Full disclaimer: there will be puke-talk.) In sharing these stories, we hope to normalize that travel with kids doesn’t have to go perfectly to be “worth it” and remind you that you’re not alone if this summer’s adventures go awry. Plus, one of the only perks to surviving stories like these is that we get to laugh about them later.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #travelingwoes #travelingwithkids #familytravelmishaps
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We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. W We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. We'll be back Tuesday with a new episode, and in the meantime we send you all the good vibes for stress-free celebrations and exactly the type of holiday weekend you have the bandwidth for. Parades optional (IYKYK). Sending love, and we’ll talk to you next week. -M & S
Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years ago when she had a houseful of little kids and a full-time career. On the podcast this week we talk about making peace with the endlessness that is managing a family home - have you listened? Click this image at the link in our bio to visit the show notes, where you can click play to hear our discussion, as well as find the link to this original blog post. 💛
It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with w It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with words I’ve scratched out since 5:00. I have five minutes until I need to wake the big kids up for school. Taking one last sip of my cold coffee, I stretch my arms above my head, then walk down the hall. The house is still clean, but soon, tiny feet will hit the floor, and the work of parenting and running a household will begin again.

I gently open the kids’ bedroom door and stand on the bottom bunk, reaching my hand into the top bunk to place it on Rhett’s head. His breath is slow and steady; he’s still deep asleep. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the day ahead. 

Opening my eyes, I tickle his head, “Hey buddy, it’s time to get up,” I whisper. “I’ve got breakfast on the table.”

“It’s so early,” he grumbles, curling into a ball. 

“I know, but it’s time,” I say, anticipating what he will say next.

“Can you carry me?” he asks. 

I start to protest; that he’s too heavy and big enough to do it by himself. But I pause, knowing he’s asking me to step back a bit—that he hasn’t made the jump to a “big kid” just yet. And maybe, while there aren’t three easy steps to parenting, he’s reminding me I can do this—one step at a time.

--

✨ Read @stacybronec's essay by clicking this image at the link in our bio. ✨
New episode! Not feeling like an expert in the ho New episode!

Not feeling like an expert in the housework realm? Turns out, very few of feel like we know what we are doing. Last week Meagan and Sarah talked about WHAT we do to keep our households in a state of "good enough," and this week's Part Two is all about the feelings that came up as we tracked a week of real-life housework. We dive into some of our insecurities as home managers, the difference between housework and mothering, and some of the really sticky aspects of finding your identity as a mom and homemaker in the 21st century. We have LOTs of thoughts - and we hope you'll join us!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #housework #reallifehousework #feelings #homemanagerinsecurities #momin21stcentury
This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, lea This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, learning to mother a sweet but mystifying baby boy while most of my friends were in the middle of their junior year of college. I had a stubborn optimistic streak and a supportive family in my corner, but not much else.

When I look at the girl I was then, I'm so glad that optimism won out and that Jacob is here today. Motherhood was a life-altering experience that shaped everything about the person I became.

But when I think about the lack of practical and active societal support that girl and her baby received nearly twenty-five years ago, I'm sad and angry. What (inadequate) assistance was offered came tinged with a sense of failure and shame. And the movement working tirelessly to protect the rights of my unborn baby largely seemed to ignore my personhood except as a means to keep him alive.

Even for the much more privileged, it's a tough time to be a mother. The needs of moms (and by extension, living children) are ignored, and we all pay the price.

At The Mom Hour, we are Pro-Mom. We value our entire community and celebrate that this group represents a diverse set of backgrounds and beliefs. Our goal is to always be part of a dynamic and inclusive conversation, not an echo chamber or soapbox.

We also believe that mothers have immense value in their own right, not merely as a vessel for new life, or the means by which to kept that life fed, warm, clean, disciplined, entertained, and educated for the next 18+ years. Motherhood is not a consequence or a political tool. Mothers should not be the collateral damage of other people's beliefs. We are important, worthy of consideration, and worthy of care.

When I look back at the girl in this picture, I wish I'd known how valuable I was: not just for what I could do for the baby on my hip, but simply because I existed. 

I hope you all know it now, and that it colors not only the way you treat yourself but the way you treat other moms.

Because we all deserve it, and now more than ever, we need each other.-M

p.s.: I wrote about the origins of belief and the benefits of challenging them over at @meaganfrancis today. Would love to hear your thoughts.
New episode! What we remember from childhood help New episode!

What we remember from childhood helps build our narrative of who we were - even if those memories are fuzzy or slightly flawed. Today Meagan and Sarah get in the way-WAY-back machine and reflect on what we were like as kids and teens. As a child, Meagan was dreamy, imaginative, chatty, and obsessed with balloons (!!), while Sarah was studious, quiet-but-sociable, responsible, and circumstantially prone to tears. We touch on how our personalities developed as we grew up, whether we were “popular” or not, and if we felt clueless or confident come high school. Join us for this fun More Than Mom to get a glimpse into our growing up years (at least the way we remember it!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #growingup #childhoodmemories #memories
The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, a The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, and I (Sarah) wanted to share two things:

1️⃣ In Episode 365 we shared listeners’ best family travel tips, and so many moms talked about stocking up on snacks (you can’t have too many, they said!). ONE listener shared that their family does the opposite: bring almost zero snacks so that kids are plenty hungry when it’s time to stop, and so that those gas station purchases seem even more special. We tried the latter today and it worked GREAT for my kids. We had some very uninteresting, nutritious snacks in the car, and then we let them each pick two things from our first convenience store stop. They were THRILLED, and I didn’t overbuy on stuff nobody wanted.

💡 Takeaway: Sometimes the opposite of what everyone else is doing is right for you! 

2️⃣ Meagan and I made a conscious decision last year to move away from recommending Amazon (and profiting from those recommendations) as the solution for *everything*. It’s not a boycott at all - just a gentle redirection  of our influence toward small, local, or even just *different* retailers. In my personal life, I have moved away from Amazon for almost all recurring everyday essentials, and it has felt right for me. HOWEVER: When stocking up for a road trip, bless the everything store and Jeff B take all my money. These seatback caddies with touch screens for iPads are cheap and may not last beyond this trip but they’re working GREAT.

💡 Takeaway: The 80/20 rule is a-OK. If you need permission to break your own rules, consider this it.

Safe travels, friends. ♥️
One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

Most of us enjoy having a clean and tidy home, but have you ever kept track of how much you do throughout the week to keep it that way? In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah share what seven days of real-life housework looks like in our homes. We reflect on the tasks we knew went into running a home, and some surprising ones we never thought of as housework before (like picking plums and chasing chickens!). Whether you prioritize deep-cleaning on a regular schedule or tend to tidy as you go and hope for the best, it’s eye-opening and gratifying to acknowledge the work that goes into managing a home full of kids.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak

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