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in Blog on August 5, 2018 by Sarah Powers

Becoming The Mom Who Does Things

This essay originally appeared in our monthly newsletter for The Mom Hour podcast. To get our emails, subscribe here. –Sarah

Last night a pillow fight broke out in our hotel room, and I joined in. I had every reason to shut it down: the walls separating the rooms in our cheap motel were paper thin; my tolerance for chaos and mess even thinner. It was past nine o’clock, the third night straight that the kids had been up later than normal. And I was already starting to think about leaving in the morning, mentally packing up and getting organized for the travel day to come.

But when the pillows started flying (who started it? I’m still not sure) I returned fire. They were perfect fighting pillows—cheap, lightweight, many in number, and not our own—and I didn’t hold back the enjoyment I took in chucking one after another at my kids and husband. By the time the last cushion dropped unanswered to the dingy carpeted floor, I was out of breath and smiling.

If it sounds out of character for a mom who prizes early bedtimes and thrives on order, it was. And it wasn’t lost on my kids either. “I’m surprised mom is actually enjoying this,” my ten-year-old commented, pausing mid-attack to register what the whole room was thinking: How is she letting us get away with this? When did mom decide to be fun?

While the comment stung for a hot second, it wasn’t unfair. I have lots of strengths as a person and plenty of aces up my sleeve in the mom-game, but being The Fun One isn’t among them. Most of the time I’m okay with that (it happens that I married the get-down-on-the-floor-and-pretend-Lion-Guard type, which is an enormous win for all of us) because I truly believe that moms don’t have to do and be everything for their kids. But this summer I decided it was time to up my participation factor in family fun, and it didn’t start with the pillow fight.

It started a couple months ago, when I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I swam in the ocean. We live just a few miles from some of the world’s best beaches, and I grew up in a beach town where, even as a relatively cautious kid, I boogie boarded and swam in the surf pretty regularly. I’m far from a thrill-seeker, but I love the feeling of being lifted off my feet by the swells, of making that last-minute decision either to dive under a wave or jump over it. And yet when I stopped to think about it, I couldn’t remember a time in the last decade when I’d waded in deeper than my ankles.

It happened so gradually, this shift from being the person who swims in the sea to the mom who stays on the sand. First I was pregnant, then breastfeeding, then stuck under a sleeping baby or home with a napping toddler. At some point I was pregnant, breastfeeding, and nap-bound again—only this time with a toddler to look after. And then I did it all one more time.

After three such cycles things got easier, but we found ourselves outnumbered and exhausted, which meant that if there was fun to be had—an ocean swim or a concert in the park or a round of mini-golf—I was usually first to opt out. After all, there was always work to be done that allowed the fun to be had. I’d pack the picnic and book the tickets and apply sunscreen; I’d pick up sand toys, drive around the block with a cranky preschooler, and head back early to start dinner. I facilitated the fun. I took photos of the fun. I witnessed the fun, happily and gratefully. But somewhere along the line I literally forgot how to pick up the nearest pillow and throw it at someone. I forgot how to swim in the ocean.

Let me be clear: I’m a natural homebody who loves ritual and routine, so embracing this more passive nurturing role for a decade or so didn’t cramp my style. It didn’t leave me wanting. It was, in fact, really gratifying and snuggly and worthy stuff. But to every thing there is a season; my kids are getting older and even the littlest can go on amusement park rides now. Nobody needs me to hang back or opt out anymore. So this summer I made an intentional effort to Be The Mom Who Does Things.

What did I do? I was first to try the stand-up paddleboard (thank you, 20 years of ballet, for the balance training). I dragged the family on a tour of a historic mansion in Newport, Rhode Island (hey, we each have our own definition of “fun”). I played miniature golf and ladder golf (in the same day!). I made my own s’more just the way I like it, because nobody needed me to make theirs for them. And yes: I swam in the ocean, and it was as fun as I remember.

Yesterday, a few hours before the pillow fight, I was at a big family gathering when some raucously competitive lawn games got going. My older two kids held their own with the adults, but my five-year-old pulled her lovey from my purse, climbed into my lap, and fell asleep within minutes. My sister pulled up a chair next to me and held her napping 9-month-old while we watched the games, careful to cover the sleeping girls’ ears when the cheering got too loud. She’s at the very beginning of motherhood, and likely has years ahead of her of sitting on the sidelines. But I’m transitioning out of that phase with mixed emotions, and one more nap-induced fun break felt like a tender throwback. They’re so much fewer and far between now, and I don’t know how many more there will be.

Just because I’m now The Mom Who Does Things now doesn’t mean I have to do all the things, all the time. I’m in a sweet, sweet spot of having the choice to watch or to participate, to stay at the edge or to swim in the waves, to shut down the rowdiness or pick up a pillow and join in the battle. It took an intentional mindset shift to start choosing fun more often this summer, and I’m so glad I did. I don’t want my kids to be shocked out of their shoes when I join in a pillow fight or follow them into the surf. I want them to include me in their fun before it’s not cool to do so.

That said, I’ll never turn down a kid who needs me to postpone a game for a snuggle. If I’m being honest, that’s pretty much the most fun there is.

Are you a fun mom? Do you like to swim in the ocean? What’s the most out-of-your-comfort-zone thing you did this summer? Comment and let me know!

Related

Filed Under: Blog

About Sarah Powers

Sarah Powers is co-host and Executive Producer of The Mom Hour podcast. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA with her husband and three kids, ages 9, 11, and 13.

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Top 10 parenting podcast hosted by @meaganfrancis (MI) & @powersofmine (SoCal). 8 kids between us, little to grown. Happier motherhood starts here.

The Mom Hour
New episode! "How do you know when your family is New episode!

"How do you know when your family is complete?" is one of the most common listener questions we receive. Meagan and Sarah both now have several years of hindsight separating them from the baby and toddler years, and today we're reflecting on the idea of a "complete" family unit. We acknowledge that it doesn't necessarily look like what we imagined it would - and that for many moms there is uncertainty and even grief wrapped up in all of this - but we also find much to celebrate about the current and future states of our proverbial "family tables".

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. W We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. We'll be back Tuesday with a new episode, and in the meantime we send you all the good vibes for stress-free celebrations and exactly the type of holiday weekend you have the bandwidth for. Parades optional (IYKYK). Sending love, and we’ll talk to you next week. -M & S
Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years ago when she had a houseful of little kids and a full-time career. On the podcast this week we talk about making peace with the endlessness that is managing a family home - have you listened? Click this image at the link in our bio to visit the show notes, where you can click play to hear our discussion, as well as find the link to this original blog post. 💛
It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with w It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with words I’ve scratched out since 5:00. I have five minutes until I need to wake the big kids up for school. Taking one last sip of my cold coffee, I stretch my arms above my head, then walk down the hall. The house is still clean, but soon, tiny feet will hit the floor, and the work of parenting and running a household will begin again.

I gently open the kids’ bedroom door and stand on the bottom bunk, reaching my hand into the top bunk to place it on Rhett’s head. His breath is slow and steady; he’s still deep asleep. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the day ahead. 

Opening my eyes, I tickle his head, “Hey buddy, it’s time to get up,” I whisper. “I’ve got breakfast on the table.”

“It’s so early,” he grumbles, curling into a ball. 

“I know, but it’s time,” I say, anticipating what he will say next.

“Can you carry me?” he asks. 

I start to protest; that he’s too heavy and big enough to do it by himself. But I pause, knowing he’s asking me to step back a bit—that he hasn’t made the jump to a “big kid” just yet. And maybe, while there aren’t three easy steps to parenting, he’s reminding me I can do this—one step at a time.

--

✨ Read @stacybronec's essay by clicking this image at the link in our bio. ✨
New episode! Not feeling like an expert in the ho New episode!

Not feeling like an expert in the housework realm? Turns out, very few of feel like we know what we are doing. Last week Meagan and Sarah talked about WHAT we do to keep our households in a state of "good enough," and this week's Part Two is all about the feelings that came up as we tracked a week of real-life housework. We dive into some of our insecurities as home managers, the difference between housework and mothering, and some of the really sticky aspects of finding your identity as a mom and homemaker in the 21st century. We have LOTs of thoughts - and we hope you'll join us!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #housework #reallifehousework #feelings #homemanagerinsecurities #momin21stcentury
This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, lea This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, learning to mother a sweet but mystifying baby boy while most of my friends were in the middle of their junior year of college. I had a stubborn optimistic streak and a supportive family in my corner, but not much else.

When I look at the girl I was then, I'm so glad that optimism won out and that Jacob is here today. Motherhood was a life-altering experience that shaped everything about the person I became.

But when I think about the lack of practical and active societal support that girl and her baby received nearly twenty-five years ago, I'm sad and angry. What (inadequate) assistance was offered came tinged with a sense of failure and shame. And the movement working tirelessly to protect the rights of my unborn baby largely seemed to ignore my personhood except as a means to keep him alive.

Even for the much more privileged, it's a tough time to be a mother. The needs of moms (and by extension, living children) are ignored, and we all pay the price.

At The Mom Hour, we are Pro-Mom. We value our entire community and celebrate that this group represents a diverse set of backgrounds and beliefs. Our goal is to always be part of a dynamic and inclusive conversation, not an echo chamber or soapbox.

We also believe that mothers have immense value in their own right, not merely as a vessel for new life, or the means by which to kept that life fed, warm, clean, disciplined, entertained, and educated for the next 18+ years. Motherhood is not a consequence or a political tool. Mothers should not be the collateral damage of other people's beliefs. We are important, worthy of consideration, and worthy of care.

When I look back at the girl in this picture, I wish I'd known how valuable I was: not just for what I could do for the baby on my hip, but simply because I existed. 

I hope you all know it now, and that it colors not only the way you treat yourself but the way you treat other moms.

Because we all deserve it, and now more than ever, we need each other.-M

p.s.: I wrote about the origins of belief and the benefits of challenging them over at @meaganfrancis today. Would love to hear your thoughts.
New episode! What we remember from childhood help New episode!

What we remember from childhood helps build our narrative of who we were - even if those memories are fuzzy or slightly flawed. Today Meagan and Sarah get in the way-WAY-back machine and reflect on what we were like as kids and teens. As a child, Meagan was dreamy, imaginative, chatty, and obsessed with balloons (!!), while Sarah was studious, quiet-but-sociable, responsible, and circumstantially prone to tears. We touch on how our personalities developed as we grew up, whether we were “popular” or not, and if we felt clueless or confident come high school. Join us for this fun More Than Mom to get a glimpse into our growing up years (at least the way we remember it!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #growingup #childhoodmemories #memories
The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, a The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, and I (Sarah) wanted to share two things:

1️⃣ In Episode 365 we shared listeners’ best family travel tips, and so many moms talked about stocking up on snacks (you can’t have too many, they said!). ONE listener shared that their family does the opposite: bring almost zero snacks so that kids are plenty hungry when it’s time to stop, and so that those gas station purchases seem even more special. We tried the latter today and it worked GREAT for my kids. We had some very uninteresting, nutritious snacks in the car, and then we let them each pick two things from our first convenience store stop. They were THRILLED, and I didn’t overbuy on stuff nobody wanted.

💡 Takeaway: Sometimes the opposite of what everyone else is doing is right for you! 

2️⃣ Meagan and I made a conscious decision last year to move away from recommending Amazon (and profiting from those recommendations) as the solution for *everything*. It’s not a boycott at all - just a gentle redirection  of our influence toward small, local, or even just *different* retailers. In my personal life, I have moved away from Amazon for almost all recurring everyday essentials, and it has felt right for me. HOWEVER: When stocking up for a road trip, bless the everything store and Jeff B take all my money. These seatback caddies with touch screens for iPads are cheap and may not last beyond this trip but they’re working GREAT.

💡 Takeaway: The 80/20 rule is a-OK. If you need permission to break your own rules, consider this it.

Safe travels, friends. ♥️
One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
How To Organize End-Of-School Artwork & Papers

✏️ Stop looking for the perfect system.
✏️ Don't overthink it.
✏️ Remember that you have all summer. Or maybe it's a fall project.
✏️ It's fine. You're doing fine. Everything will be just fine.

This week on the podcast I talked about these accordion portfolios from Lakeshore Learning (no brand relationship whatsoever) that I use for keepsake papers and art. I also said - and it bears repeating - ANY OLD BIN WORKS TOO. It's not about the vehicle, friends.

I also shared that while Meagan and I tracked our home management tasks the week of May 31 and I mentioned *starting* this process that week, by the time we recorded on June 16 my end-of-school paper piles were alive and well and still not put away. I can now report that we leave for a week on Saturday and I can GUARANTEE it won't be done before then. So best-case = July at this point.

Do you have specific questions for me about storing End Of School (or anytime) kids' keepsake art and papers? I'll pop into stories today and take some questions if it would be helpful. I can promise most of my answers will be a version of "don't overthink it, it's all going to be okay" BUT I am happy to use my decade+ of school parenting to share experience if it helps.

Happy Summer, all. You're doing great.
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

Most of us enjoy having a clean and tidy home, but have you ever kept track of how much you do throughout the week to keep it that way? In today’s episode, Meagan and Sarah share what seven days of real-life housework looks like in our homes. We reflect on the tasks we knew went into running a home, and some surprising ones we never thought of as housework before (like picking plums and chasing chickens!). Whether you prioritize deep-cleaning on a regular schedule or tend to tidy as you go and hope for the best, it’s eye-opening and gratifying to acknowledge the work that goes into managing a home full of kids.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
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New episode! "How do you know when your family is New episode!

"How do you know when your family is complete?" is one of the most common listener questions we receive. Meagan and Sarah both now have several years of hindsight separating them from the baby and toddler years, and today we're reflecting on the idea of a "complete" family unit. We acknowledge that it doesn't necessarily look like what we imagined it would - and that for many moms there is uncertainty and even grief wrapped up in all of this - but we also find much to celebrate about the current and future states of our proverbial "family tables".

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts
We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. W We're signing off for the long weekend, friends. We'll be back Tuesday with a new episode, and in the meantime we send you all the good vibes for stress-free celebrations and exactly the type of holiday weekend you have the bandwidth for. Parades optional (IYKYK). Sending love, and we’ll talk to you next week. -M & S
Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years Wise words from @meaganfrancis - written 10+ years ago when she had a houseful of little kids and a full-time career. On the podcast this week we talk about making peace with the endlessness that is managing a family home - have you listened? Click this image at the link in our bio to visit the show notes, where you can click play to hear our discussion, as well as find the link to this original blog post. 💛
It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with w It’s 5:55 a.m., and my notebook is filled with words I’ve scratched out since 5:00. I have five minutes until I need to wake the big kids up for school. Taking one last sip of my cold coffee, I stretch my arms above my head, then walk down the hall. The house is still clean, but soon, tiny feet will hit the floor, and the work of parenting and running a household will begin again.

I gently open the kids’ bedroom door and stand on the bottom bunk, reaching my hand into the top bunk to place it on Rhett’s head. His breath is slow and steady; he’s still deep asleep. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the day ahead. 

Opening my eyes, I tickle his head, “Hey buddy, it’s time to get up,” I whisper. “I’ve got breakfast on the table.”

“It’s so early,” he grumbles, curling into a ball. 

“I know, but it’s time,” I say, anticipating what he will say next.

“Can you carry me?” he asks. 

I start to protest; that he’s too heavy and big enough to do it by himself. But I pause, knowing he’s asking me to step back a bit—that he hasn’t made the jump to a “big kid” just yet. And maybe, while there aren’t three easy steps to parenting, he’s reminding me I can do this—one step at a time.

--

✨ Read @stacybronec's essay by clicking this image at the link in our bio. ✨
New episode! Not feeling like an expert in the ho New episode!

Not feeling like an expert in the housework realm? Turns out, very few of feel like we know what we are doing. Last week Meagan and Sarah talked about WHAT we do to keep our households in a state of "good enough," and this week's Part Two is all about the feelings that came up as we tracked a week of real-life housework. We dive into some of our insecurities as home managers, the difference between housework and mothering, and some of the really sticky aspects of finding your identity as a mom and homemaker in the 21st century. We have LOTs of thoughts - and we hope you'll join us!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #housework #reallifehousework #feelings #homemanagerinsecurities #momin21stcentury
This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, lea This is me, at the age of 20. In over my head, learning to mother a sweet but mystifying baby boy while most of my friends were in the middle of their junior year of college. I had a stubborn optimistic streak and a supportive family in my corner, but not much else.

When I look at the girl I was then, I'm so glad that optimism won out and that Jacob is here today. Motherhood was a life-altering experience that shaped everything about the person I became.

But when I think about the lack of practical and active societal support that girl and her baby received nearly twenty-five years ago, I'm sad and angry. What (inadequate) assistance was offered came tinged with a sense of failure and shame. And the movement working tirelessly to protect the rights of my unborn baby largely seemed to ignore my personhood except as a means to keep him alive.

Even for the much more privileged, it's a tough time to be a mother. The needs of moms (and by extension, living children) are ignored, and we all pay the price.

At The Mom Hour, we are Pro-Mom. We value our entire community and celebrate that this group represents a diverse set of backgrounds and beliefs. Our goal is to always be part of a dynamic and inclusive conversation, not an echo chamber or soapbox.

We also believe that mothers have immense value in their own right, not merely as a vessel for new life, or the means by which to kept that life fed, warm, clean, disciplined, entertained, and educated for the next 18+ years. Motherhood is not a consequence or a political tool. Mothers should not be the collateral damage of other people's beliefs. We are important, worthy of consideration, and worthy of care.

When I look back at the girl in this picture, I wish I'd known how valuable I was: not just for what I could do for the baby on my hip, but simply because I existed. 

I hope you all know it now, and that it colors not only the way you treat yourself but the way you treat other moms.

Because we all deserve it, and now more than ever, we need each other.-M

p.s.: I wrote about the origins of belief and the benefits of challenging them over at @meaganfrancis today. Would love to hear your thoughts.
New episode! What we remember from childhood help New episode!

What we remember from childhood helps build our narrative of who we were - even if those memories are fuzzy or slightly flawed. Today Meagan and Sarah get in the way-WAY-back machine and reflect on what we were like as kids and teens. As a child, Meagan was dreamy, imaginative, chatty, and obsessed with balloons (!!), while Sarah was studious, quiet-but-sociable, responsible, and circumstantially prone to tears. We touch on how our personalities developed as we grew up, whether we were “popular” or not, and if we felt clueless or confident come high school. Join us for this fun More Than Mom to get a glimpse into our growing up years (at least the way we remember it!).

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #growingup #childhoodmemories #memories
The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, a The Powers family is road-tripping this weekend, and I (Sarah) wanted to share two things:

1️⃣ In Episode 365 we shared listeners’ best family travel tips, and so many moms talked about stocking up on snacks (you can’t have too many, they said!). ONE listener shared that their family does the opposite: bring almost zero snacks so that kids are plenty hungry when it’s time to stop, and so that those gas station purchases seem even more special. We tried the latter today and it worked GREAT for my kids. We had some very uninteresting, nutritious snacks in the car, and then we let them each pick two things from our first convenience store stop. They were THRILLED, and I didn’t overbuy on stuff nobody wanted.

💡 Takeaway: Sometimes the opposite of what everyone else is doing is right for you! 

2️⃣ Meagan and I made a conscious decision last year to move away from recommending Amazon (and profiting from those recommendations) as the solution for *everything*. It’s not a boycott at all - just a gentle redirection  of our influence toward small, local, or even just *different* retailers. In my personal life, I have moved away from Amazon for almost all recurring everyday essentials, and it has felt right for me. HOWEVER: When stocking up for a road trip, bless the everything store and Jeff B take all my money. These seatback caddies with touch screens for iPads are cheap and may not last beyond this trip but they’re working GREAT.

💡 Takeaway: The 80/20 rule is a-OK. If you need permission to break your own rules, consider this it.

Safe travels, friends. ♥️
One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
How To Organize End-Of-School Artwork & Papers

✏️ Stop looking for the perfect system.
✏️ Don't overthink it.
✏️ Remember that you have all summer. Or maybe it's a fall project.
✏️ It's fine. You're doing fine. Everything will be just fine.

This week on the podcast I talked about these accordion portfolios from Lakeshore Learning (no brand relationship whatsoever) that I use for keepsake papers and art. I also said - and it bears repeating - ANY OLD BIN WORKS TOO. It's not about the vehicle, friends.

I also shared that while Meagan and I tracked our home management tasks the week of May 31 and I mentioned *starting* this process that week, by the time we recorded on June 16 my end-of-school paper piles were alive and well and still not put away. I can now report that we leave for a week on Saturday and I can GUARANTEE it won't be done before then. So best-case = July at this point.

Do you have specific questions for me about storing End Of School (or anytime) kids' keepsake art and papers? I'll pop into stories today and take some questions if it would be helpful. I can promise most of my answers will be a version of "don't overthink it, it's all going to be okay" BUT I am happy to use my decade+ of school parenting to share experience if it helps.

Happy Summer, all. You're doing great.

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