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in Blog on February 13, 2019 by Meagan Francis

Santosha, And The Discomfort In Not Knowing

This essay originally appeared in our monthly newsletter for The Mom Hour podcast. To get our emails, subscribe here. –Meagan

For most of my adult life I’ve self-identified as a butt-kicker. I launched a writing career in my early 20s, while raising a houseful of small children; published several books by the time I was 30, and have re-invented myself through hard times and career shifts more times than I can count. I’ve never met a problem I can’t hustle my way out of.

At least, that’s what I’ve always told myself.

Maybe that’s partly why, after a rough holiday that included your typical divorced-parent stressors and regrets, plus the unexpected addition of a sudden and painful breakup, I dove headlong into a New Year’s challenge at my yoga studio. The challenge? To take 60 studio classes, in two months (59 days, since February is a short month, but who’s counting?).

In my typically action-oriented way, I reasoned that keeping busy would help me: create a distraction, give me something else to focus on rather than playing and re-playing scenarios in my head.

And it has helped – immensely, actually, but not always for the reasons I anticipated at the beginning.

On the first day of the challenge, my instructor talked about santosha which was the studio’s focus for the month of January. Santosha is a Sanskrit word that can be loosely translated to mean “contentment”.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty happy person, so I wasn’t sure what lessons I’d be able to glean from this particular focus. But. “It’s not about being happy – that’s a different thing,” my instructor explained that first day of January. “Santosha means finding contentment with what is happening right now, even if it’s hard or negative.”

Wait. Being content with what is? Like, right now? You mean, instead of trying to fix it?

But what if “what is”, you know, sucks?

My “word for the year” in 2019 is “patience.” When I originally chose the word I was beginning to recognize my white-knuckle tendency to rush situations, leaping rapidly from one possibility to another in order to nail down an outcome and avoid uncertainty. Uncertainty, it turns out, is my own personal Kryptonite.

I’d started to unpack this discomfort with not-knowing, and in the process it became pretty clear that my hustling nature stems in large part from a chaotic childhood where basics like relationships and resources were often uncertain and fleeting. Of course I was drawn to action to create a different kind of reality for myself, and eventually, my children. And that can be a very good thing.

But when the knowledge that at any moment, you could lose – money, a home, a job, a relationship – is practically wired into your DNA, “hustling” can start to look an awful lot like clinging, manipulating, and pushing or pulling other people – in other words, expending tons of emotional and mental energy to get the outcome you want. The irony is that all that clinging just as often leads to loss, or at least, disappointment.

What I didn’t realize before starting this consistent, daily-or-sometimes-twice-daily yoga practice, was that santosha – the practice of finding contentment – is the sister to patience.

I can’t force, act, or white-knuckle myself into being patient – it doesn’t work that way. No, in order to wait patiently for what’s next without losing my mind, I have to find a way to be OK with what’s happening right now – and by definition, that means being at peace with not knowing what’s around the next bend.

“You’re in the pose now, may as well settle in,” my instructor said as we sank deeper into Warrior Two for the third time. It was ten days into the yoga challenge, and the Warrior poses – upright lunges, arms thrown up in victory in Warrior 1, or in a straight line front to back in Warrior 2, as if I’d just thrown a spear – were giving me more trouble than they ever had before, mostly because I was finally trying to improve my form in earnest rather than just getting through the class.

The tops of my shoulders and the quads on my front leg burned, and at that moment, staying put was about the last thing I wanted to do. Settle in, rather than fidget, back off, ease up, or move on to the next thing? And by the way, what IS the next thing? Can we get on to it already? How can I prepare if I don’t know what it is? How do I know I can do it? What if it’s even harder than this?

“Try to find something to like about this posture,” she said. “You’re here anyway, so find some joy.” Ugh. But then I realized that there is something about Warrior 2 that I’ve always loved – gazing over the fourth finger of my outstretched hand, trying to make my arms as light and graceful as possible even as my legs are digging down into the ground.

Hey, it was still hard. But I found that when I focused on the part I like, I didn’t actively hate the pose anymore. And before I knew it, we were moving on to the next thing…which, by the way, I was able to do just fine. (I’ve been to 38 yoga classes in the last 33 days, never knowing what any of the instructors are going to throw my way – and as it turns out, I haven’t died yet.)

It’s a perfect metaphor for santosha, isn’t it? Finding a way to be content with what is right in front of me (even if it’s boring, or stressful, or sad, or hard) rather than trying to force it to be better, easier, or more interesting. Those sweaty, leg-shaking moments are always the hardest of any practice, but the most sweetly rewarding, too, proving that all I can control is how I show up in any given moment – finding something to enjoy, settling in. After all, what’s coming next will come, one way or the other.

Guys, there’s a lot about my life that’s hard right now. Being 41 and single is hard. Being a mom of a bunch of kids transitioning rapidly to adulthood is hard. Not knowing exactly what my next steps will be – with our business, with my relationships, where we might end up living – it’s all just hard. I know you can all relate in some way, even if the specifics are different – because hey, we’re moms. It’s hard.

But as my instructor said: You’re here now, so you may as well settle in and find something to enjoy.

I hope, wherever you are today, you can find some santosha, and that it helps you find the patience to wait for the next thing, whatever it might be.

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One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refresh One of our most popular blog posts EVER is refreshed for 2022! Click this image at the link in our bio to read the just-structured-enough approach Sarah took during those long AZ summers at home when her kids were 6, 4, and 1.5. 😎 

#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
New episode! Most of us enjoy having a clean and New episode!

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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #endlesscleaning #housework #cleaning #tidyingup #
Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June spons Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June sponsors! Every month, we like to take a little time to shoutout our partners who help support the show + remind our listeners of some of the great deals our sponsors are offering. For more info, specific promo codes, and links, just search the brand name on our website, and they'll pop up in our episode show notes. We also collect ALL our active promo codes (even the old ones that are still working!) in our email newsletter - which is full of other great things we want to share with you, too. Tap on this image at the link in our bio to subscribe today. 

Meet our NEW partners this month . . .
🗣️ @connectspeech (early language support!)
💙 @appahealth (1st month of mentorship free!)
💄 @thrivecausemetics (15% off your 1st order)

And welcome back to . . .
⭐️ @paireyewear (15% off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @autoapprove ($100 when you refinance!)
⭐️ @outschool ($15 off your child's 1st class!)
⭐️ @mindandchild ($20 off Parenting 101 course!)
⭐️ @flowkey_com (20% off subscription piano app!)
⭐️ @stitchfix ($20 off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @publicgoods ($15 off, no minimum!)
⭐️ @scholasticinc (books for kids of all ages!)
⭐️ @hiyahealth (50% off 1st order!)
⭐️ @kiwico_inc (30% off your 1st mo!)
⭐️ @ritual (10% off 1st 3 mo!)
⭐️ @athleticgreens (1yr of Vit.D + 5 travel packs!)
⭐️ @vionicshoes (free shipping on cute shoes!)
⭐️ @project_wren (10 trees planted when you sign up!)
New episode! If you travel with kids, it’s just New episode!

If you travel with kids, it’s just a matter of time before a trip goes off the rails in spectacular fashion. Maybe it’s a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, or an expensive vacation spent sick in a pricey hotel room. Today Sarah is joined by @catieparrish @stacybronec @emilyeroark and @lisaapayne4 – regular contributors to the show and seasoned travelers with a combined 13 kids – who share their most memorable travel mishap stories. (Full disclaimer: there will be puke-talk.) In sharing these stories, we hope to normalize that travel with kids doesn’t have to go perfectly to be “worth it” and remind you that you’re not alone if this summer’s adventures go awry. Plus, one of the only perks to surviving stories like these is that we get to laugh about them later.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #travelingwoes #travelingwithkids #familytravelmishaps
New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learn New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learning About Juneteenth, As A Family.

"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

#juneteenth #history #blackhistory #parenting #juneteenthbooksforkids #summerreading
New episode! As moms, we can be hard on ourselves New episode!

As moms, we can be hard on ourselves…and sometimes we just need to hear the simplest, oft-repeated pieces of advice and encouragement to remind us that it is all going to be OK. Join Meagan and Sarah for a reflection on eight pieces of wisdom that have carried us through motherhood struggles at every age and stage. We are offering them to you, to ourselves, and to all of our future selves in Episode 369.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #momtruisms #momtruths #parentingadvice #motherhoodstruggles
Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 minutes moving 25 chickens by hand from their home to the new chicken yard, because they refused to go on their own. And then an hour moving them back, because same.

It reminded me a lot of mothering a toddler, and got me wondering: what’s the most ridiculous thing mom life has brought you in the past week? -M
New episode! Have you ever fantasized about atten New episode!

Have you ever fantasized about attending a camp-like environment for grown-ups? Much about the classic summer camp experience is appealing to us (though not EVERYTHING--we could certainly do without the bugs), and the idea of simply showing up for a perfectly curated experience without any responsibility, or planning, sounds AMAZING. Listen to this fun More Than Mom to hear all of our must-have activities (like food and wine tastings, yoga, personal style consults and more!), things that would be a hard no (like swimming in the gross, murky lake or participating in corny, guided crafts) and our daydreams about creating a Mom Hour Retreat (maybe someday?)!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #summercamps #womenretreats #momretreat
New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBT New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBTQ+ Resources For Parents (And Anyone Who Wants To Learn!). 

"The fact is, none of us will get it right every time. Not with each other, and certainly not with our kids. But it’s important that we keep showing up and having the conversations anyway."

Click this image at the link in our bio to access Jayme's roundup of resources.

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