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in Blog on July 7, 2019 by Sarah Powers

On Shaky Ground (Advice For Fellow Catastrophizers)

This essay originally appeared in our monthly newsletter for The Mom Hour podcast. To get our emails, subscribe here. –Sarah

I was editing the podcast when the first earthquake happened. Meagan and I had just finished up an Independence Day recording session (#summerworkingmomlife). I thought the dog had jumped up and landed on the bed where I was sitting, but when I looked up from my computer he was lying still, staring back at me (he probably though I’d rocked the bed!). From where I live near the coast in Orange County, about 170 miles south of Ridgecrest, CA, where the 6.4M quake originated, it was just a hint of a tremor, about what you feel when a big truck lumbers by your house.

Bryan had the kids at a 4th of July carnival (see also: how we still feel about fun) and they didn’t feel it at all. After obsessively refreshing the Los Angeles Times Twitter feed for about an hour, I was able to ditch the earthquake-related jitters and get back to celebrating the 4th. We even watched fireworks from Bryan’s office on the 10th floor of a building in Newport Beach and I didn’t give our venue choice a passing thought.

When the 7.1M struck the same region around 8:20 Friday evening, Bryan and I were on the couch watching The West Wing (we’re re-watching the whole series). The older two kids were in their rooms, awake and reading; Violet was already asleep. When the rolling tremors stopped we went upstairs to talk to the kids. They knew what had happened, seemed more surprised than anxious, and didn’t appear fazed. 

After the second, larger quake I had a much harder time moving through the stages of comprehension and anxiety–the ones that start with “Holy Cow, the EARTH is moving” and move on through “Wow, that was an earthquake” and “Whoa, what if that had been bigger? Would we have been prepared?”, finally landing on “Okay, we’re safe, it was centered pretty far from here, and everyone’s okay.” Instead of progressing through these mental states like I had the previous morning, on Friday night I got stuck. Stuck refreshing Twitter. Stuck clicking on sensational headlines. And stuck in the What if stage.

Maybe you’ve been stuck there before; it certainly isn’t limited to natural disasters. What if my birth goes terribly wrong? What if my child drowns? What if my marriage isn’t strong enough? What if I lose my job? What if we go to war? What-if thinking isn’t shy or sensible; it’s audacious, imaginative, and uninhibited. It can take the scantest piece of evidence and build a sensational case for itself, a spectacular movie of the mind worthy of Richard Gere’s “Razzle Dazzle” number from Chicago!. When you’re stuck in a pattern of What-if thinking, you can’t see the facts for the feathers and fur. 

Catastrophizers, you know what I’m talking about. 

Coming up on 48 hours later, I’m doing much better. The likelihood of another earthquake is the same as it was when I sat fidgeting on the couch Friday night, making Bryan research preparedness tips and manically clicking developing news stories on my phone. It’s the same as it was Saturday, when I put on a brave face and spent the morning at sea level wondering about tsunamis, silently memorizing the path to higher ground. The threat (or lack thereof) remains, but I seem to have mostly moved through to that final stage of “Okay, we’re safe, it was centered pretty far from here, and everyone’s okay.”

I wish I could have gotten there within seconds of the earth’s quieting, like my husband. Or within an hour or two as I had the day before. I wish I hadn’t snapped at Violet when she bumped the restaurant table or at Reid when he accidentally knocked a picture frame down, revealing the jumpiness I was working so hard to cover up for their sakes.

But the day and a half I spent stuck in that yucky place imagining the worst was instructive, too. I’m lucky to have a partner who loves science and statistics. We make a productive if humorous pair in times like these, with me lobbing wild scenarios at him like fat beach balls and him deflating them one by one with a combination of hard data and “honey, chill” reality checks. We also recognized that our disaster preparedness plans were due for an update, especially now that we have kids who spend more time on their own or out of the house. We actually unpacked our Earthquake Backpacks, purchased a while back but never inspected, and added a few things to them.

As it turns out, my personal prescription for moving through a hardcore catastrophizing episode is a combination of things. First, talking through real risk versus “crazy thoughts” (my label :)) with someone who is patient enough not to ridicule the crazy and interested enough to provide the facts. Next, taking action on a few concrete things that do make me feel safer and more prepared. And finally, waiting it out, trusting that the heady gloom and uncomfortable thought patterns will subside on their own.

What works for you might be totally different. It might be total distraction in the form of trashy television or a juicy novel. It might be prayer or mediation, yoga or running, writing down your fears or making an appointment with a therapist. Whatever it is, it has very little to do with the actual threat and much more to do with your ability to enjoy life in its presence. In its own way, this too is a radical, audacious act of What-if thinking: What if we could teach our kids to duck and cover without living in fear that they’ll need to? What if we accept that the ground under our feet might shift at any moment and choose to stand on it anyway?

What if we let ourselves believe–truly believe–that it’s all going to be okay?

Related

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: hard stuff

About Sarah Powers

Sarah Powers is co-host and Executive Producer of The Mom Hour podcast. She lives in Santa Barbara, CA with her husband and three kids, ages 9, 11, and 13.

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Comments

  1. Kim says

    September 20, 2020 at 12:44 pm

    I loved this essay when it appeared in my email inbox last year, and I felt called to revisit it today. It seems so appropriate to this time we are living in, filled with new and terrible what-if’s. I especially love the ending…. “Whatever it is, it has very little to do with the actual threat and much more to do with your ability to enjoy life in its presence. In its own way, this too is a radical, audacious act of What-if thinking: What if we could teach our kids to duck and cover without living in fear that they’ll need to? What if we accept that the ground under our feet might shift at any moment and choose to stand on it anyway?

    What if we let ourselves believe–truly believe–that it’s all going to be okay?”

    So beautiful!

    Reply

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#stayathomemom #preschoolers #summermomlife #arizonasummer #summerschedulefortoddlers #summerscheduledforpreschoolers #samplesummerschedule #summerdaysathom
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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

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Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes Math Quiz: If 3 kids dirty an average of 15 dishes per day while away at school 7 hours per day, how many additional dishes will they dirty while home all day for summer break?

67. The answer is 67. Yes, I’ve checked my work! Maybe someone who passed calculus can explain? 🤪 -M

#mommath #drowningindishes #summerbreakisnotreallyabreak
Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June spons Happy weekend - and a big thanks to our June sponsors! Every month, we like to take a little time to shoutout our partners who help support the show + remind our listeners of some of the great deals our sponsors are offering. For more info, specific promo codes, and links, just search the brand name on our website, and they'll pop up in our episode show notes. We also collect ALL our active promo codes (even the old ones that are still working!) in our email newsletter - which is full of other great things we want to share with you, too. Tap on this image at the link in our bio to subscribe today. 

Meet our NEW partners this month . . .
🗣️ @connectspeech (early language support!)
💙 @appahealth (1st month of mentorship free!)
💄 @thrivecausemetics (15% off your 1st order)

And welcome back to . . .
⭐️ @paireyewear (15% off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @autoapprove ($100 when you refinance!)
⭐️ @outschool ($15 off your child's 1st class!)
⭐️ @mindandchild ($20 off Parenting 101 course!)
⭐️ @flowkey_com (20% off subscription piano app!)
⭐️ @stitchfix ($20 off your 1st purchase!)
⭐️ @publicgoods ($15 off, no minimum!)
⭐️ @scholasticinc (books for kids of all ages!)
⭐️ @hiyahealth (50% off 1st order!)
⭐️ @kiwico_inc (30% off your 1st mo!)
⭐️ @ritual (10% off 1st 3 mo!)
⭐️ @athleticgreens (1yr of Vit.D + 5 travel packs!)
⭐️ @vionicshoes (free shipping on cute shoes!)
⭐️ @project_wren (10 trees planted when you sign up!)
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Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #travelingwoes #travelingwithkids #familytravelmishaps
New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learn New on the blog this week from @kiamhammond: Learning About Juneteenth, As A Family.

"Like many families, mine is still figuring out how to teach our children about Juneteenth, as learning the history wasn't part of my education or my husband's when we were kids. The good news is, books written for children and families are a great way for the whole family to learn (and there are a lot of them!)."

Click this image at the link in our bio to read Kia’s book recommendations and more ways to start the conversation at home with your family.

#juneteenth #history #blackhistory #parenting #juneteenthbooksforkids #summerreading
New episode! As moms, we can be hard on ourselves New episode!

As moms, we can be hard on ourselves…and sometimes we just need to hear the simplest, oft-repeated pieces of advice and encouragement to remind us that it is all going to be OK. Join Meagan and Sarah for a reflection on eight pieces of wisdom that have carried us through motherhood struggles at every age and stage. We are offering them to you, to ourselves, and to all of our future selves in Episode 369.

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #momtruisms #momtruths #parentingadvice #motherhoodstruggles
Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 Just a “hello” from last-week-me, who spent 30 minutes moving 25 chickens by hand from their home to the new chicken yard, because they refused to go on their own. And then an hour moving them back, because same.

It reminded me a lot of mothering a toddler, and got me wondering: what’s the most ridiculous thing mom life has brought you in the past week? -M
New episode! Have you ever fantasized about atten New episode!

Have you ever fantasized about attending a camp-like environment for grown-ups? Much about the classic summer camp experience is appealing to us (though not EVERYTHING--we could certainly do without the bugs), and the idea of simply showing up for a perfectly curated experience without any responsibility, or planning, sounds AMAZING. Listen to this fun More Than Mom to hear all of our must-have activities (like food and wine tastings, yoga, personal style consults and more!), things that would be a hard no (like swimming in the gross, murky lake or participating in corny, guided crafts) and our daydreams about creating a Mom Hour Retreat (maybe someday?)!

Find the episode wherever you get your podcasts, or click this image at the link in our bio!

#themomhour #motherhood #mompodcast #podcastsformoms #parenting #parentingpodcast #podcastlove #trypod #podcastersofinstagram #shepodcasts #summercamps #womenretreats #momretreat
New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBT New on the blog this week from @jaymesherrod: LGBTQ+ Resources For Parents (And Anyone Who Wants To Learn!). 

"The fact is, none of us will get it right every time. Not with each other, and certainly not with our kids. But it’s important that we keep showing up and having the conversations anyway."

Click this image at the link in our bio to access Jayme's roundup of resources.

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